Golf may be a good walk ruined, but the Ryder Cup – with some planning and strategic alcohol mixing – can make a good party this weekend. One of the greatest spectator events in the sporting calendar is made for those armchair quarterbacks among us – with hours of trans-Atlantic showdowns unfolding over four days – and in prime time.

So ladies, here’s what you’ll need!

Television: This year’s Ryder Cup will be the second delivered in high-definition to viewers in Europe, so every Celtic Manor blade of grass will be drawn vividly in our living rooms. Like the way some porn stars are finding HD brings its own challenges to the industry, so too Monty will find every nervous twitch is noticed and each yip a nervous rookie feels in his elbow will be brought to you in wonderful, clear techni-colour. Get yourself a HD-ready flat screen to do the occasion justice

Friends: If you don’t have any, don’t worry loser, see above. A nice plasma will bring friends.

Seats: It’s just not on to expect everyone to watch hours of golf while perched delicately on a poof while you shout the odds from your LazyBoy3000. Get the emergency chairs out of the shed or fill the room with beanbags, cushions and pillows like an Arabian prince’s tent. This will lessen complaints emanating from behind your LazyBoy3000.

An American: I watched Ireland equalise against Germany in the 2002 World Cup while in New York with a roommate from Leipzig. Great craic! Try to draft in a patsy from Stateside to be the lightening rod for your witty remarks and mild xenophobia.

Food: US jailbird and domestic goddess Martha Stewart offers a swath of football related nibbles and recipes for a Superbowl Party but has failed to get into the golf swing it seems. I suggest a veritable atlas of food spread out like General Montgomery’s war map of 1940s Europe on your living floor. Provide stodgy, salty meats from Bavaria, tapas from the Iberian Peninsula, Taytos from Ireland and pickled herring in honour of our Scandinavian team-mates.

Dress up: Encourage your friends/pets to wear the uniform colours of the European team. Sitting around on a Sunday evening in pink polo shirts, cream slacks and white loafers with everyone you know is a biennial experience. It’s what makes us European.

Activities: Children and/or women may be present, depending on who your friends and the American bring along. A Playstation in a nearby building or room with Tiger Woods PGA Tour may be of interest. A cinema room showing a double bill of Happy Gilmore/Tin Cup is a gimme. Everyone loves Adam Sandler, right?

So happy entertaining sports fans, and rememeber, whoever wins, make sure your guests don’t lose.

The Golden Boots
What has eight legs and pretends to know about football before each big World Cup game? No, not the Match of the Day pundits – Paul the Oracle Octopus, of course. In every World Cup we witness a star emerge from the shadows; think Schillachi in 1990. This year the German mollusc has picked the correct winner in each of the Mannshaft’s games. When Jogi Low’s boys crashed out in the semi-finals – as his tentacles had earlier indicated – he received death threats and aquarium staff said he was exhausted. If you’d followed his betting advice you’d be squids in however.

R Keane award for dressing room pep talk
Step forward Nicholas Anelka, whose clinical offering to inept Le Bleus coach Raymond Domenech sparked a French revolution: “Go screw yourself you dirty son of a whore.” Quelle catastrophe – but, silver lining, it’s the most Nico has said in many, many years.

Best Headline
“See you on Sunday”. What’s the German for shadenfreude – German sub editors taunt their Dutch archrivals after the Oranje clinched their final spot, and hours before Spain eliminate Klose et al.

The golden vuvuzela for worst commentary
ITV’s Clive Tylesley can take a bow son, after his over enthusiastic comments on the English referee Howard Webb and his two linesmen. Clive peppered his thoughts on the actual football with praise for Webb’s whistling and the ‘great flags’ from the assistants. He then let his followers know htat he is more passionate about the trio in black than the three lions.

The Milla – In recognition of iconic goal celebration
After years of performing the Thomas Brolin-copyrighted twirl-and-punch combo after a one-foot tap-in, it’s time to mix it up I think. Landon Donovan signed a million endorsement cheques with his goal against Algeria but his enthusiastic slide into the corner had Jurgen Klinsmann spinning in his Cape Town hotel room. So, for originality it has to be David Villa’s matador-like flourish of the right arm. Good for tourism too.

The Silver Earplugs
Whatever you think, the drone of plastic has been the baseline to this World Cup’s beat. But don’t expect them to sweep the sports world. Bray Wanderers – as you’d expect – led the way and banned the horns from the Carlisle Grounds. Then Wimbledon, the rugby World Cup, the Ultimate Fighting Championship followed suit before the United Arab Emirates’ General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowments issued a fatwa against vuvuzelas if they exceed 100 decibels, which they usually do. Which reminds me of a Salman Rushdie joke… never mind.

The we told you so moment – to be presented by Paul McShane
Sepp Blatter mocked our desperate and eventually pathetic pleading after our Parisian trauma. So to see him have to sit, red-faced, as Frank Lampard was denied a perfectly good goal on the biggest stage had the Boys in Greens high-fiving on the couch. Afterwards the FIFA chief seemed to accept it’s time to stick in a few cameras.

The corner-flag award for mis-firing striker
Messi scored no goals but he was the driving force behind Argentina getting as far as they did. So for me it’s between old pals Ronaldo and Rooney. Ronaldo however has just revealed he’s a daddy – to Cristiano Jr – so we can’t accuse him of firing blanks. And he did score against North Korea (who didn’t). So step forward Sir Wayne – as you were depicted in hose Nike adverts – you’re the biggest flop.

The Uninvited Guest
More than 30 attractive young ladies turned up at the Netherlands’ opening match wearing orange mini-dresses emblazoned with the name of Dutch brewery Bavaria NV, which has made a habit of ambush marketing at the World Cup. Two were arrested, but they were sprung after Bavaria agreed to keep its clever marketing minds otherwise occupied until 2022 — unless, of course, Bavaria happens to shell out big bucks to be an official sponsor.
But surely the gong has to go to Pavlos Joseph, a disgruntled England fan who ended up in the team dressingroom after the Algeria game after he went in search of a toilet. He gave David Beckham a piece of his mind before confusing a naked Joe Cole with his presence. Football eh? Blood hell.

So here’s the rest of the round one beer match ups. Here’s the idea explanation and here’s the first batch

Italy v New Zealand

Speight’s
Allan Prosser: This is a good honest beer – and I’d expect nothing less from New Zealand. This is the sort of beer that I would drink at the Middlesex sevens over ice on a long afternoon. This is the taste of the south island, where most of the beer comes from, and it’s very good.
Rory Bevan: A light lager ale. It has its ancestry very much in Britain. You’re back into the session beer — a very good drinking beer — very balanced — it’s not too light, not too heavy, bitter or sweet. This shows its English heritage — it’s a good, colonial beer.
Adrian Russell: Like the Kiwis, it is probably more suited to rugby. I can imagine getting through a lot of this in a New Zealand winter tour, but I don’t know how suited it is to football terraces. It tastes good and I like the quaint branding.

Peroni
AP: I feel, much like the Italian team, this is an old, predictable beer. I’m going to go with the basic honesty of the New Zealand beer against something that I think is passed its sell-by date. It’s a designer label that doesn’t live up to it.
RB: The Peroni is stylish but is lacking in substance. Speight’s is good old colonial honesty — if that’s not a contradiction in terms.
AR: I had this in Bari last season when Ireland nicked a draw with the Azzuri. Like the Serie A, this is solid and expertly crafted though not very exciting, admittedly. I love Italian football and Italy itself so this is a draw for me, despite the Kiwi’s brave offering.

Verdict: New Zealand 2 Italy 1
It’s All White on the night as the new world charm of New Zealand’s Speight’s edges out Marcello Lippi’s boys.

Portugal v North Korea

Superbock
AP: This is a nice beer, I think. Too many of these and you might fall down which is appropriate for the country that’s given us Ronaldo. I can imagine drinking this while the fish is cooking in the background. I think the Koreans will have to pull out a big performance to beat this one.
AR: It’s 5.2% which seems unusual for a light, barbeque-type beer. It promises much and is light and flighty a bit like the Golden Generation. Though i can imagine sipping a few of these fairly easily on the patio of a Lisbon cafe. Could be a dark horse.
RB: It’s quite reasonable – dry with our being over dry – and has drinkability. The predominant feature is its graininess and there’s nothing wrong with it at all. It has notes of your traditional Irish lager with the graininess and certainly has plenty of character.

Hite
AP: This is an okay beer too – it’s not the first time we’ve seen them this tournament and for me it’s consistent but lacks flair on the second outing. It drinks fine flat though and would probably complement a nice spicy meal. But Portugal take it for me this time.
AR: Yeah, I think we know a little too much about this formerly mysterious crowd. The beer is tangy and fairly flavoursome but I don’t think this will last much longer in South Africa. That’s a Portuguese win for me – despite another structurally sound display from the Dear Leader’s outfit.
RB:It has a sour character which is a good attribute in beer. That would be its predominant flavour. It’s a decent beer -being fruity and mellow. On its second outing it might suffer, I’d agree but I’d call this a draw. It’s just a preference thing – they’re both good beers.

Verdict: 2-0 to Portugal
Former United No 2 Carlos Queiroz may be more used to supping on Fergie’s post-match bollinger rather than a Superbock, but his Portugal side put their best beer forward with this one. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea can hold their heads high despite this setback.

Argentina v Greece

Quillmes
AP: I’ve never seen this beer before – even in London. You can see that in the Hand of God, cant you? It’s probably the beer that drives Boca Juniors supporters mad. The greatest shame for Maradona is that he can’t stuff it up his nose. 1-0. I have this down as semi-finalists at the very least. It’s a fine beer; it moves around the palate like Messi on a good day.
AR: It’s a hot country beer and this is very good. Like El Diego today, it’s full bodied, enigmatic and lacking chemicals. The bottle is cool and i can imagine knocking back a couple of these during a Buenos Aires ticker tape parade.
RB: It’s understated – even the labelling is retro. I could see myself drinking this with a one kilo Argentine steak. It’s clean and lightly hopped; it’s certainly a contender. It’s again a light pilsner which is nicely balanced. It grows on you – which in anything – is a good quality.

Keo
AP: There’s nothing about it really though it’s fine. The Greek offering is decent if a little unmemorable and it’s not going to beat the Argies this time around. !-O to Maradona and the lads.
AR: This one — though brewed in Cyprus – qualifies under FIFA rules. It’s fairly airy, fairy and has nothing substantial to back it up really. Ideal for hot weather maybe but it will struggle today against the rough aristocrats from South America.
RB: Again, a warm country beer. Not much distinctive about it and no real redeeming features. The flavours don’t marry as well as the Argentina beer so i think this is a whitewash. Quillmes is certainly one to watch.

Verdict 3-0 Argentina
After a week and a half of beer tasting, things get Messi. Though the Greeks served a perfectly functional warm weather drink, they can have few complaints against a classy Argentine beer. Don’t be surprised if we see it later on in the tournament.

Australia v Serbia

Coopers Sparkling Ale
AP: it’s a loud beer a bit like those Aussie neighbours at a bbq – and the longer the day goes on the louder they get. But it tastes good and could go a long way.
AR:
It is quite brash and fun. A craft type ale designed for the educated beer drinker’s palate. But probably not for everyone. Their team could go walkabout early in South Africa but this beer may well go a bit further, I’d guess.
RB: It’s 5.8% so has quite a good kick to it and is bottle-conditioned which means there’s yeast left in the bottle which keeps it fresh and helps it retain its character and flavour – it’s a difficult process. It’s hoppy, bitter, and there’s caramel notes in there. A dry beer but it’s very nice. It’s probably a beer designed for the connoisseur beer drinker.

Jelen Pivo
AP: Given the choice between this and the aussie one at a BBQ, you might use Jeklen to douse the flames afterwards. The Australian beer is a much better presented bottle too – which is a factor.
AR: This is technically adept – I’d be quite happy ot be served that watching the last games of the group stafes. But against the more unusual, well crafted Coopers, it’s a bit of a is-match isn’t it. Plenty of eastern promise – but maybe this tournament came a few seasons too early for Jlen, if you’ll allow me to pour a cliché.
RB: it’s grainy, with plenty of body and fullness. It’s much hoppier and has a bitter aftertaste – which is an attribute of beer It’s s fine beer too but for me the Australian is better, though it’s a matter of tsaste.

Verdict: Australia win 3-0
This could be the first time an Australian could be described as tasteful, inoffensive and leaves you wanting more? We couldn’t possibly comment, but Coopers sparkles this time around anyway agasint the workmanlike, honest Serb offering.

Slovakia v Italy

Zlaty Bazant
AP: this is a professional beer. I’m rather put off by the emblem which reminds me of the Tottenham Hotspur crest – I’m tempted to mark it down for that reason. It strikes me as the kind of beer that it would a big mistake to switch to at 1am some night.
AR: It’s strong. As this is brewed in Slovakia – where Stephen Ireland killed off two grandmothers in one night – I’d call this a potential three-granny beer. But it’s full and flavoursome – you mightn’t get through too many.
RB: The Slovaks have a long tradition of brewing and this is certainly a good continental, fullsome lager. I find it a little bit heavy on the satiating – that is a heavy on drinkability. You wouldn’t want to be going to extra time on them. Nice branding too.

Birra Moretti

AP: This is lightweight in comparison. It’s the kind of beer that goes well with a good pair of sunglasses; it’s a fashioned beer. I’d be happy to drink this in the shadow of the Colliseam watching the girls go by on their mopeds.
AR: It is light, you could probably get the Vespa home after two of these. The golden peasant – which is what the Slovakian beer translates as – is probably for the more mature drinker to sip quietly, whereas the fashionable Italian lager would end up in the discotheque.
RB: This is typically Italian – clean and crisp; this beer has good tailoring. But they’re two different styles of beer – one is full and flavoursome, while the other is light, more like the frascati of beers. I think the Morreti – as a drinking beer – would slightly shade it for me. It’s about balance and for me the Italian has more drinkability.

Verdict: Italy 3-0
Despite a lovely, typically well-crafted Slovakian offering the Italians run out comprehensive winners. The world champions may be wobbling, but at least their fans are sipping a stylish, light, drinkable beer. Forza Azzurri.

Portugal v Brazil

Superbock
AP: This is a nice beer, I think. I’ve been to Portugal a few times on football trips and this is probably representative of the light, decent beer you’re served in Lisbon or Oporto. Depending on what they come up against, this could go a fair way in this tournament.
AR: We always expect so much from the stylish, technically gifted golden generation but this certainly delivers. The sports editor managed to sourced this one from the Portuguese tourist Board, and I could certainly see myself logging onto Ryanair in order to sip a few more beachside. Deceptively strong too at 5.2%.
RB: We’ve had this before of course and I think it went okay. I like it – it’s dry without being over dry – and has lots of drinkability. It’s nice and grainy which is a characteristic of beer. It has notes of your traditional Irish lager with the graininess and packs a punch, like Ronaldo I suppose.

Brahma
AP: This is not a good beer in my opinion. It’s insubstantial and insignificant. The Portuguese will likely conquer Brazil again. 1-0 to the Europeans.
AR: It’s another hot weather beer – suitable for a lazy barbecue rather than a night on the tiles I suppose. We spat it back in Dunga’s face the last time out but I think like the Selecao, it seems to be working its way into the tournament. Better on the second tasting – 1-1 for me.
RB:As I’ve always said – there are no bad beers, some are just better than others. This is light and flighty and would be fine served cold on a summer’s day. They’re not too dissimilar but the Superbock has a bit more body to it and is a bit more flavoursome on balance. And like football, brewing is all about balance.

Verdict: 2-1 to Portugal
We vote yes on Lisbon as the Portuguese lads edge out the Samba Boys with a full-bodied, powerful and tasty offering that might see them go a long way this year.

Some guys lay sport’s hard-earned baubles out on a sideboard for all to see, long after fresh mud has been scraped from a career’s boots. And why not? It’s hard enough to win something, right?

Others, however, wrap life’s medals in yesterday’s headlines and tuck them into a shoebox, out of sight. Winners don’t pin victory to their lapel.

Brian Roche is one such winner.

As Leinster’s best gear up for a tilt at Toulouse tomorrow, before Munster attempt to get past Biarritz in the bullring atmosphere of San Sebastian’s Estadio Anoeta in the Heineken Cup semi-finals, it’s apposite to remember the first Heineken Cup medal won by a son of Ireland.

A 35-year-old-year-old from the down-to-earth Togher suburb on Cork city’s southside, Roche grew up swinging a hurley in the famous blue of St Finbarr’s before a Highfield clubman suggested the teenager give the oval ball a spin. No problem.

“I started to get on well with it,” he explained this week over a coffee. “I got into the Munster and Irish team in my first, second year. And I was on the Cork minor panel then and I had to make a choice. So I stuck with the rugby.”

Roche – a skillful winger or fullback — eventually joined Sunday’s Well in his early 20s. As the new era of professionalism dawned, it wasn’t long before a stranger who had stood observing the action on the sideline approached with an intriguing offer.

“I played away a season with the Well – which was my father’s club – and someone approached me to go over to Bath for a trial. But I was just after starting a new job at the time so I turned it down. And he came back to me then and he said he’d give me a contract. So I said, I’d be stupid not to – I was 22. So I said I’d give it a go. And I went over and gave it a lash – and it was great.”

The circumspect young Leesider pushed open the dressingroom door to reveal a Mount Rushmore of rugby icons. Faces he was used to watching on the BBC and talking with his father about; Guscott, Evans, Catt. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

“I was nervous enough going in there first day with all the guys who I’d know from the telly. But they were sound. Fierce nice altogether. Like myself, just down to earth, get on with it.

“It was just after the Lions tour in South Africa and a lot of the players were back from that. It was the first year of the Premiership and it was a really exciting time. I got a start in the XV in the first few games that were shown on Sky.

“Bath were only after signing Ieuan Evans and he was after getting married and going on honeymoon. So I got a shot – and I was lucky, I took it. But I was never going to hold on to it with these guys around.”

In what was a different era for Irish rugby, Munster, Leinster and Ulster earned a meagre 10 points between them. Bath topped their group — Roche featuring prominently throughout — with the same amount and made it to the final in Bordeaux against Brive.

Brian Roche, left, evades Neath’s Ian Jones at The Gnoll in October 1998 during his time at Munster and, above, pictured in Bath’s gear.

As the English club won by a point, Roche watched happily from his flat in the picturesque English town with other teammates. It was no big deal when officials later slipped a medal into his hand. “I saw my Heineken Cup medal as a token from Bath after being involved in the group stages and was happy to accept it and put it away then,” he says, “I do see it as an honour but it’s done now and I move on. I don’t talk about it.”

After a stunning first experience in taste of the pro game, he then chucked another U-ie on the road less taken.

“I was always a home bird and I was mad to come back at some stage but maybe in hindsight I would have been better off dropping down a level and going to a team that were maybe bottom half of the Premiership.” Instead he tugged on the red of his home province.

As Irish rugby has reached new stratospheres in recent years, Roche was the sport’s Neil Armstrong. And astronauts always come back different.

“I came home and got into the Munster squad and I went and lived in Limerick and joined Shannon. I got into the side after about four or five games and kept my place for the rest of the year. And without playing another game I was out of a squad of 30-odd for the following year. And to be honest, I took that hard.”

After some to-ing and fro-ing the Togher hurler who worked all the way onto the same team bus as Jeremy Guscott, returned to play intermediate football with his beloved Barrs before he returned to Highfield who ‘kickstarted his career’ to captain the side to a league championship in 2004. It probably meant as much as anything minted in Bordeaux.

Meanwhile, the European quest continued for Munster and as most climbed aboard the freewheeling bandwagon, so too Roche moved on without it. “I was bitter for a while but I’ve moved on now. I haven’t gone to one Munster game since I stopped playing with them. I watch them on TV and I support them, because they’re a great bunch of lads, I just wouldn’t go to one. ”

Not that he has the time. After earning a level two coaching badge with the IRFU, as well as a fitness qualification, he has put the likes of the Barrs, Highfield, UCC’s MSL soccer team and most impressively the Cork hurlers through their paces. And typical of his uncanny timing, he had a front-row seat for the Rebels’ Gerald McCarthy soap opera.

“I learned loads from the Cork hurlers. Even their preparation – they leave no stone unturned; everything is looked into in minute detail. You throw all of those lessons into the memory bank and you use them again. I made mistakes coaching – and playing as well – but hopefully you don’t make the same mistake twice.”

If a European Cup win isn’t the top line on your coaching CV, then maybe being the man with the whistle standing between Donal Óg Cusack and Ger McCarthy should be. Though Roche insists he wasn’t concerned involved with any tension in Pairc Uí Chaoimh at the time. “You wouldn’t train a more dedicated group of players. They’re brilliant to train with. The issues with the county board were none of my business. They’re an unbelievable group of players.”

Where before sitting back and watching his contemporaries do what they do best on the biggest stage was not his idea of relaxation, if Munster win on Sunday, ‘Rochey’ will happily watch the Paris final with a group of friends on his stag night in a quiet West Cork town, ahead of his marriage to his fiancée, Nell.

Standing behind Roche when he’s married this summer, as throughout his career, will be his parents. His proud mother will watch on as her son achieves another personal first. And she might well wear an old gift from Brian on her lapel – a Heineken Cup medal he had made into a beautiful broach.

The news broadcasts are creaking under the weight of cliches like ‘blankets of snow’, ‘big freezes’ while footpaths are engaging in treachery.

As the country has slowed ground to a halt, the sporting world has been the same.

Meanwhile, in today’s Irish Examiner, despite the present icy inertia, about two dozen of our staff writers and columnists have looked ahead to the events that will define the Irish sporting year. I can’t link to the website as it’s a graphic but check it out in the hard copy if you’re in Ireland. There’s some surprising calls.

In the meantime, here’s my effort:

Q1: Who’ll be a big winner in 2010?
Irish rugby and soccer, as a whole, who will open the redevoloped Lansdowne Rd as the Aviva Stadium (The Pallendrome anyone?) in August.

Q2: You’ll soon be hearing about…
Swimming talent Grainne Murphy is the real deal. The 16-year-old, who set an Irish senior and junior record for the 800m freestyle last month, is facing a vital season ahead of London 2012. Remember the name.

Q3: Your own wish for 2010?
Tiger Woods to face the music. For his own sake, he needs to go head-to-head with the world’s media until they run out of questions. And then get back to golf.

Q4: The defining moment of 2009?
I hate to say it, but from our point of view, it has to be Henry’s hand ball. We’ll never forget it.

Q5: Most bizarre moment of the 2009 season?
Watching an intimidated Lance Armstrong hop off his bike at the bottom of St Patrick’s Hill in Cork at the climax of the Tour of Ireland. Do the girls in St Angela’s know they go to school halfway up a more intimidating climb than l’Alpe d’Huez?

Q6: Who’ll win the FIFA World Cup?
The FAI’s first guests at the Aviva Stadium. Anyone who writes off a talented Argentina team with low expectations and led by Leo Messi is madder than Maradona. And wouldn’t it be some story if they won it despite/with him.

Q7: Who’ll win rugby’s Six Nations?
With Ireland having to go to London and Paris this year, it won’t be the defending champions. Decland Kidney’s charges will be very close however and I wouldn’t be surprised if they lost out to France on points difference – again.

Q8: And the Heineken Cup?
The pendulum has swung back in Munster’s favour again and having qualified from the pool, you wouldn’t then bet against them. With the scar tissue from last year’s defeat hardly healed, they have more than enough motivation to take the trophy again.

Q9: Anyone to beat Kilkenny and Kerry in the Championships?
I’d look to a Joe Canning-inspired Galway to at last rattle the Cats and rejuevenate the game. Kerry are by no means invincible and Tyrone will fancy their chances again with Sean Cavanagh especially having a point to prove.

Q10: The biggest Irish sports story of 2010 will be…
Rory McIlroy stepping into a Tiger-shaped hole in world golf and winning a major or two. What the boy lacks in fear, he makes up for in talent.

“Horan… Wallace… Ireland in position … this must be it… this MUST be it for Ronan O’Gara… drop… at… goal… Grand Slam . . . at . . . stake… HE’S GOOOOOOT IIIIIT!!!!!!!! YES!,” Ryle Nugent. Love him or loath him; he cares more than when he was doing League of Ireland football coverage.

“Woohoooooo!” — Nugent’s colour man Tony Ward offers his analysis.

“No penalties,” pleads a shaky-sounding Ward, presumably looking skyward in supplication.

Half a second later: “Penalty to Wales” — Nugent, from under the desk.

“Sixty-one years awaiting, how sweet this moment is,” Ryle gushes after the nation realises Stephen Jones’ kick has dropped short. Great stuff.

“I thought I was going to have another Seamus Darby moment, deprived right at the death.” — Conor O’Shea, the Kerryman on the RTÉ panel, back in the studio. Darby would’ve made that kick.

“After the first two lineouts, I realised Gert must have taught the Irish guys some Afrikaans. They were counting with us before the ball was thrown in.” Springbok Victor Matfield reveals that Donncha O’Callaghan picked up more than Paul O’Connell during the lineout in South Africa.

“My eyes were streaming. I was furious. I would hate to get anyone cited and if someone hit me a dig in the jaw, I would take it and get on with the game. But not when someone goes for your eyes…” Stephen Ferris demonstrates rugby union separates the men from the boys, apart from Stade Francais and those pink shirts.

“I allowed my passion for the club to compromise my judgment. I ordered a blood substitution to be made using fake blood.” — Former Harlequins director of rugby Dean Richards, later banned for three years, admits his role in the ‘Bloodgate’ scandal.

“It’s pretty distressing talking about this. When you think about how much time people have put into my career and I have thrown it away.” — England and Bath prop Matt Stevens admits to failing a drugs test.

“We’re reaching a level where the players have got too big for their skill levels. They’ve become too muscle-bound and bulky. We’re getting to the point where we’re getting collisions, but not necessarily the entertainment. My hope is that coaches recognise that and we get a little bit smaller and faster and more skilful; that players win the space rather than the collision.” — Dr James Robson after the Lions’ extensive casualty rate in South Africa.

“You know, you lose your girlfriend and go out and have a drink and for the next 48 hours you are all right. Then you go home and your girlfriend’s not there and that’s when it starts to sink in.” Director of rugby Eddie Jones on troubled times at Saracens.

“Someone texted me saying he’s a bit like I used to be, but more athletic, funnier and better looking.” — Martin Johnson on new second row Courtney Lawes.

“I don’t blame Rog but when the ball came to him I was willing him to kick it out of the ground. I still think it’s incredible that we lost.” — Scottish lock and Lion Nathan Hines doesn’t blame Ireland’s Ronan O’Gara for his crucial cameo in the second test in South Africa, however.

“I like reading about the Kilkenny hurlers.” — Paul O’Connell reveals an admiration for the Cats.

“South Africa was insulted — who chose this man to do that to our anthem?” Peter de Villiers again fumes after Reggae singer Ras Dumisani makes a complete hash of the national anthem before a Test with France.

“Why don’t we all go to the nearest ballet shop, get some nice tutus and get some great dancing going on. No eye-gouging, no tackling, no nothing. Then enjoy.” — South Africa coach Peter de Villiers refuses to criticise his flanker Schalk Burger even after he was banned for eight weeks for gouging the eyes of British and Irish Lions winger Luke Fitzgerald.

“If the referee is not accurate we’ve got to put our hand up. We need to educate that referee and get him better because that scrummaging on Saturday was not up to international standard.” IRB refereeing coordinator Paddy O’Brien’s put-down to Australian official Stuart Dickinson after his efforts in the Italy v New Zealand Test in November.

“I’ve played for this team for the past 10 years and loved every minute of it. I love Leinster — it was a goal at the start of the year to win this competition. I wanted to do it before the end of my career and couldn’t have done it with a better bunch of friends.” — Brian O’Driscoll relishes Leinster’s Heineken Cup victory.

“I feel my role is over stated, I haven’t made a tackle all year.” Ireland coach Declan Kidney greets the news that he has been made IRB coach of the year

Zidane loses his head
This was like a pitch for an old Clint Eastwood movie: a maverick cop is about to retire after a working life married to the badge. Here’s the rub: his last day at the office isn’t going to be uneventful.

Zidane — the brightest talent of his generation — already had a World Cup medal on the sideboard, a European Championship win, European Cups, Ballon d’Oors — enough baubles to decorate your Christmas tree essentially. But Zizou will forever now be remembered for his rash reaction to a Marco Matterazzi jibe as the world watched on in shock.

By scoring a seventh-minute penalty he had become only the fourth player in World Cup history to score in two different finals. However, in extra time in Berlin’s Olympic Stadium he headbutted the Italian defender in the chest. The flash of the referee’s red card sent the curtain falling on a glitterring career.

Italy, of course went on to win the penalty shoot-out 5–3. Aptly, he kept the Golden Ball award for best player at the tournament.

War of Attrition strikes gold at Cheltenham
Michael O’Leary heralds his airline’s obsession with arriving on time. His horse War Of Attrition clocked in early after little turbulence — stopping the stopwatch at 6min 31.7sec.

In the past 50 years only two Gold Cup winners have gone faster, Looks Like Trouble (6:30.3) six years previously and Norton’s Coin (6:30.9) in 1990.

In 2004 War Of Attrition left Cheltenham as a courageous loser, beaten a neck by Brave Inca in the Supreme Novice Hurdle. In 2006 however, he went one better than his old rival with victory in the Gold Cup, as Ireland’s dominance at the Cheltenham Festival reached unprecedented heights.

This success was the ninth at the meeting for an Irish-trained horse, and the 10th, Whyso Mayo, came in the next race, setting a new record. It was all very easy for jockey Conor O’Dwyer who settled his horse behind the early pace and moved towards the front of the race with about a mile left to run. The Celtic Tiger purred and Cheltenham’s Irish partied on.

Munster finally reach Holy Grail
They say you have to lose one to win one. But you have to lose two to really appreciate one. Munster at last found the holy grail and 63,000 Munster natives in Cardiff drank deep from it. A jumbo screen on Limerick’s O’Connell St attracted thousands, while the scenes on Shannonside inspired a flagging Munster to push on and achieve the win. It wasn’t to be Limerick’s last street party.

Ireland deliver Triple Crown
It may not be celebrated as wildly now, but this Triple Crown win was a vital building block Ireland’s Grand Slam victory this year. And typically, they didn’t do it the easy way.

Wing Shane Horgan’s brilliant 78th-minute try sneaked Ireland ahead of England on March 18 at Twickenham before Ronan O’Gara slotted a touchline conversion to finish England off. It left Ireland celebrating a second Triple Crown in three seasons.

Ireland hosts perfect Ryder Cup
So one-sided was this contest at The K Club that at times it seemed the impossible was likely: a Ryder Cup devoid of drama.

Fortunately there was enough raw emotion in the air to ensure the final day will live long in the memory. Ian Woosnam’s victory address will not trouble Barrack Obama’s speech-writers but the Welshman showed a canny touch when he sent Darren Clarke out in the seventh tie of the day.

Four points ahead overnight, Europe needed 4½ points to win the trophy. This left the Irishman, whose wife Heather died from breast cancer a mere six weeks previously, with the maximum chance of producing the ending the home crowd and his team-mates so desperately wanted.

Clarke duly delivered his victory, sweeping aside Zach Johnson by 4&3. The Irishman broke down in his caddie’s arms on the 16th green. Though Henrik Stenson pipped him to holing the decisive putt, Clarke sank a Guinness on a crowded clubhouse balcony to round off a wonderful weekend’s work.

I was there…
Though neither myself nor Richard Dunne will be in South Africa next summer, at least I can console myself — unlike the Villa man — with the fact that I was at the last World Cup.

In a bier-soaked scrapbook of memories, Italy’s quarter-final win over Ukraine in Hamburg on a balmy Friday night was the pinnacle. A day that ended by ‘singing’ Stone Roses in a Korean karaoke bar on the Reeperbahn, began by eating breakfast at the bar of an Irish pub. And in between I saw some great football.

“You say to me that there is more to life than hurling. Well if you want to carry on like a fella who is not an inter-county hurler well then there will be more to life than hurling. Lots more. But there won’t be hurling. That’s the reality of it.” — Manager Brian Cody on the monk-like existence Kilkenny hurlers endure for their All-Irelands.

“Cop that. It’s different this time, boys.” — Kerry footballer Tadhg Kennelly, in his book ghost-written by an Australian journalist, on the high challenge on Cork’s Nicholas Murphy in the first moments of this year’s All-Ireland SFC final in Croke Park.

“On my solemn word, I did not and would never intentionally go out to hurt another footballer.” — Kennelly backtracks after a storm of public disapproval swirled around him after the book’s publication.

“I am in a very difficult decision at the moment because it’s a lifestyle decision too. It’s 50-50 and that’s the God’s honest truth.” — Kennelly agonises over his future plans. Just before he decides to return to Sydney.

“They treat us like kids. Next year it’ll be ‘Get your Mammy to put on your helmet for you before you go out and play’, or something stupid like you can’t wear studded boots.” — Waterford hurler Eoin Kelly rails against the introduction of protective headgear by Big Brother.

“Banning girls would be absolute disaster says Dan” — headline in The Leitrim Observer. Ostensibly a stark warning to those charged with legislating the Leitrim U-12 football championship but surely Dan’s message cannot be lost on any of us in these troubled times.

“We’re written off the whole time, we’re as bad as Jedward. Only I haven’t the hair.” — Johnny McBride explains that Loup had the X Factor this year.

“Every hurler gets criticism. You just have to deal with it and get on with your game. There’s no point in being praised the whole time. That’s not the way hurling is. You’re going to get criticised through different parts of your career. I got it this year but that’s just the way it goes.” — Kilkenny star Tommy Walsh hits back at the hurlers on the ditch.

“Was it a penalty, Brian, do you think?” — Marty Morrissey asked a reasonable question of Brian Cody after the Cats fourth title in a row.

“Diarmuid Kirwan certainly gave a penalty. If you start wondering about all the frees in the course of the game, you’ll have a fairly busy time. Did you think it was a penalty yourself, Marty?” — Cody gets hot under the baseball cap, as he hits his stride in an unprovoked assault on poor Marty.

“Will somebody please pick up Marty off the floor there!” — Ger Loughnane enjoys the blood-letting of sideline reporters a little too much.

“We have the usual trials and tribulations. We lose our jobs. Our marriages bust up. Our friendships break. Alcohol ruins some of us. Depression follows others like a black dog. We fight. We love. We scar. We heal. We die.” — Donal Óg Cusack in his acclaimed book, Come What May, on life at the top of the GAA world. His revelation that he is gay brought plenty of attention to the Cloyne clubman.

“I have been very surprised at the amount of reaction and I have been very surprised at the amount of
interest in the story.” — Cusack appreciating the support his frank account garnered.

“They’re All Stars, not porn stars.” – Senator David Norris insists the focus should be on Cusack’s sporting talents.

“I met Tommy McGuigan in the hotel corridor and he told me that he was sorry to hear that I wasn’t well, that he was starting for me … that’s how it was broken to me.” — Tyrone captain Sean Cavanagh rejects claims he let the pressure get to him ahead of the All-Ireland SFC semi-final with Cork.

“Based on this year’s experiences I do not have sufficient confidence in the current management structure and I cannot dedicate myself to something I do not fully believe in.” — As another player dispute turns ugly, this time in Clare, Tony Griffin bows out of inter-county action.

“Both meetings had a common objective by the players, which was the removal of Mike McNamara as the Clare hurling team manager, irrespective of the views of either the club delegates or the county board.” — Mike McNamara isn’t afraid to refer to himself in the third person as he ultimately falls on his sword.

“There will always be people who put you on the wrong track, always guys that will try to break the system and try things on.” — As Limerick get in on the act, Justin McCarthy ruthlessly cuts 12 players from the senior panel.

“I’m seething and shocked at the insinuation in there that those guys lacked commitment.” — Ollie Moran, whose brother Niall was amongst the dozen ousted by McCarthy is shocked at their treatment.

“There is a lot of satisfaction in this. We were being written off — fellas like Spillane were almost feeling pity for us. But that is where you get the energy from; you get it from enjoying each other’s company and trying to build it up.” — Jack O’Connor revels in rebuilding his Kerry side to claim another All-Ireland title.

“I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.” Tiger Woods after engaging with a fire hydrant, a tree and half of the world’s female bar staff.

“After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf.” I’ve paid for a few expensive rounds in my time, but Woods rues one of the most expensive cocktails of all time.

“I have not been true to my values and the behaviour my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.” Woods — again — faces up to the reality of getting caught with his pants down.

“I would probably need to apologise to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of a three iron.” Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Woods to his wife, offers some professional advice to his former au pair.

“If I could, I would take this f****** ball and shove it down your f****** throat.” Do you kiss your dad with that mouth Serena? One of the Williams sisters rants at a US Open line judge

“Slim dumps a small pile of powder on the coffee table. He cuts it, snorts it. He cuts it again. I snort some. I sit back on the couch and consider the Rubicon I’ve crossed.” Andre Agassi on fine-tuning his pre-match warm-up — taking crystal meth in the 90s. Didn’t we all?

“There was a typo in the book. I did math, not meth.” Agassi, joking about the sensation caused by his drug admission. It would have been more surprising to discover he was doing lines of algebra, to be honest.

“Apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn’t smell too sweet. In fact, he is by far the ugliest man I have seen in my entire life — that is not being harsh, it is just true.” David Haye, not being harsh about his opponent Nikolay Valuev.

“I have watched Lord of the Rings and films with strange looking people, but for a human being to look like he does is pretty shocking.” Haye will simply not let it lie.

“I’ve fought the biggest heavyweight champion and caught him with big shots. I made him look like an amateur.” Haye continues the trash talk after overcoming a seven-stone disadvantage to beat giant Valuev and win the WBA heavyweight title.

“I want to win everything this year. I am the new Nadal — and I am better looking than him.” Darts maestro Phil Taylor has self-image issues.

“The ol’ back was not in a good way and st patty’s hill [St Patrick’s Hill] wasn’t looking too cozy.” Lance Armstrong tweets to his drenched fans still waiting on the steep Leeside incline after he bailed out of the Tour of Ireland climax.

“Give us a big grin to the camera. No, let’s see your teeth! He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” The BBC’s Clare Balding talks to Grand National winner Liam Treadwell. Pot meet kettle.

“Sea the Stars, he’s got six or seven lengths to make up, he’ll have to be a champion. Stacelica races into the lead now, two in front, he is a champion, I reckon, he’s got the run now in the centre he’s out to leader, he picks up Stacelita, he powers clear, Sea The Stars racing away, perfection in equine form, a horse of a lifetime, he’s just going to go on and win the Arc by two lengths.’’ BBC commentator Jim McGrath enjoys the flawless Sea The Stars Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe win.

“I’m world champion, baby.” Jenson Button succinctly reflects on a fairytale season with Brawn GP:

“I hope my mum and dad will be very proud and when (daughter) Eve grows up someone will tell her that I was an alright jockey. Tony McCoy after riding his 3,000th winner.

“When you are born, you can see whether you are a boy or girl. You don’t test children in the lab to confirm.” Leonard Chuene, the since-discredited president of Athletics South Africa, complains after Caster Semenya’s World Championship 800m victory is overshadowed by a gender row.

“I cannot tell you how sorry I am. I’m sorry to my team and my family for the embarrassment. It is a very, very embarrassing situation.” Lewis Hamilton puts his hands up after McLaren are found to have lied to stewards at the Australian Grand Prix.

“Colin is Colin. We do sometimes call him a bit of a drama queen.” Sandy Lyle fires the first round in what became a a war of words with Colin Montgomerie.

“I believe it was a very hard punch. My hand still hurts.” Manny Pacquiao recalls the hit that knocked out Ricky Hatton in the second round of their IBO light-welterweight bout.

“I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry.” Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps after the publication of a picture apparently showing him using illegal drugs.

“He has two chances: slim and none, and slim is out of town!” Don King backing Antonio Barrera to whip Amir Khan in Manchester.

“I thought: ‘How can I stop playing or give myself an excuse to stop playing?’ So I snapped my cue on Friday. It was quite fun doing it. It’s gone.” Ronnie O’Sullivan finds a novel way to stop himself playing snooker after complaining the game needed jazzing up like darts.

“Ever since I’ve had Eimear, three years ago, I’ve also been a little bit calmer coming to events like this. That’s the big advantage. I have such a great back-up from my own family, and my husband’s family. It keeps you focused. I’m lucky that I was born in Galway, and live in Cork, and have the support of two communities.” Olive Loughnane reflects on the training regime that saw her take silver at the World Championships in Berlin.

“I saw this guy by the tee box who walks away about five yards, throws up because he has had too much to drink, comes back to the ropes and starts shouting ‘Rory’ again. Now that’s what I call a loyal supporter.” McIlroy on the raucous welcome at the USPGA.

“Can we play you every year?” Lily Allen sings to the Australian team, post-Ashes.

1 The Paul McGrath Award for best disappearing act: Kenny Egan
More used to jumping rope, Egan skipped off to New York at the end of February. The Olympic silver medal wining boxer caused quite a stir as Twitter lost one of it’s biggest proponents and the social diarists were missing a once-reliable cast member. The Dubliner eventually returned after missing an Irish team tournament with the USA, apologised and has since kept the head down.

2 The Waldorf and Stadler Award for bickering media pundits: Pat Spillane and Joe Brolly
We may have to give RTE’s GAA analysts an award each to avoid an argument. It was a summer of late tackles and dirty hits on the sofa as co-panellist Colm O’Rourke and his Meath team of the late 80s would have applauded. Like two old fellas on high stools, the debate was fairly incoherent and trivial: who is the team of the decade, Tyrone or Kerry? It started early in the season and was concluded, with Spillane grinning, when the Kingdom regained the upper hand in September.

3 The Podge and Rodge Prize in Recognition of Tact: Clare Balding
I’m not going to stick the boot in here. But… the words ‘stones’ and ‘greenhouses’ sprang to mind after the Grand National when the BBC’s racing presenter poked fun at winning jockey Liam Treadwell appearance. Sticking a mic in the poor guy’s face (at precisely the highest moment in his professional life) she demanded: “Give us a big grin to the camera. No, let’s see your teeth! He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” Stay classy, middle England.

4 Most Innocuous Question of the Year: Marty Morrissey
The beloved Banner broadcaster was left mopping the spittle from his impressive pate when he casually queried Brian Cody (after the Kilkenny manager saw his side seal a four-in-a-row, let’s remember) about that final-defining penalty call.
“I have no idea Marty. Did you check all the other frees to see if they were dodgy also?” Cody spat before continuing in that poisoned vein.
“Well Marty wont be buying the book after that,” Lyster chuckled afterwards from the comfort of behind the studio sofa.

5 Least Innocuous Question: Paul Kimmage
The contrarian journalist anmd former pro rider Paul Kimmage, who already has plenty of history with Lance Armstrong (“He is the cancer”) when he asked him a question about his disgraced former colleagues. “What is it about these dopers that you seem to admire so much?” said Kimmage. Armstrong responded at length and with chilling calmness.

6 Contingency Plan of the Year: Plan B
The national emergency plan saw half the country suffer for a fortnight under floods, sticking Leon Best up front for quarter of an hour didn’t reap rewards for Ireland against France in Dublin and going back into the jungle didn’t get Jordan back on track.
However, as Croker chiefs pressed the panic button and flashed a ‘GO TO PLAN B’ message which flashed across the big screen at HQ, the phrase entered our sporting lexicon.

7 The Bill Murray Award for Losing It In Translation: Tadhg Kennelly
To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, Ireland and Australia are two countries divided by a common language. When Kennelly shoulder Cork’s Nicholas Murphy into the face in the All-Ireland Final in September he recounted the incident in his rushed-to-shops book.
“Cop that, it’s different this time boys”. It did not go down well.

8 The Frontline Heckler Award for Late Late Show performance: Donal Óg Cusack
The Cork hurling star got stuck in on his Late Late Show appearance to promote his ‘controversial’ new book. Ryan Tubridy, who looks like he’d blow away if he stood outside the dressing-room door as a Junior B team ran out, tried his luck at talking about hurling. Cusack thought him to stick to the lounge music and book clubs.

9 Oliver Reed for Drunken TV Appearance: Brendan Fevola
Readers here, and pub workers in Galway especially, may remember Brendan Fevola as the Aussie Rules player who was sent home from the 2006 International Rules Series after brawling with a barman.
This year Fevola made a holy show of himself at the Brownlow Medal ceremony — stumbling from guest to guest with a microphone and all-too-willing cameraman as he quizzed the game’s great and good.
The Carlton player has been fined $10,000 and told to “wake up to himself”. ‘Fev’ admitted he had no recollection of the events which also led him to being axed from the Footy Show on Channel Nine

10 The Boy George Question Award: Caster Semenya
In August Semenya won gold in the 800 meters at the world championships in Berlin. Immediately afterwards questions were raised about the South African’s gender. The row rumbles on; Semenya will be allowed to keep her medal and prize money no matter what. if not her privacy.

11 The Golden License Fee Award : RTÉ
The national broadcaster managed to miss one of the nation’s greatest sporting achievements this year. Olive Loughnane romped home, as they say, to take a silver medal in Berlin but we had to watch Brendan Foster interview the Galway girl for us as RTÉ didn’t have the rights to the world championships

12 The Stephen Ireland Award for Silly Vehicle Choice: Cliff Lee
Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee almost missed the first game of the World Series against the Yankees when he decided to take a cab uptown to the Bronx. Lee was stuck in a taxi at 5:45pm en route from his team’s Manhattan when the driver told him they were hopelessly stuck in traffic and it might take two more hours to get to the ballpark. Lee instructed the driver to find the nearest subway stop and negotiated two trains to make it to the mound on time.

13 The Milli Vanilli Special Mention (in recognition of claiming other’s work as your own): Noel Hunt
The Reading striker sparked a mini-controversy when he insisted he and not captain Robbie Keane — scored the equaliser for Ireland against Italy in Bari in April.

14 Best Outfit: Serena Williams
The younger Williams sister shook the cosy world of lawn tennis with a tight-fitting and cheeky “Are you looking at my titles?” t-shirt at a Wimbledon press-conference. New balls please.

15 Jedward Award for Attempted Singing: Tommy Bowe
The Ospreys man was hung out to dry by his Ireland teammates on Dame Street at their Grand Slam homecoming. Thinking he’d enjoy a chorus lines of championship-winning colleagues, instead they stood back and left him suffer through an in front of 17,000 fans on Dame Street.

This article first appeared in the Irish Examiner sports review supplement.