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The alternative World Cup awards

July 12, 2010 in Features, Football, Sport | View Comments

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The Golden Boots
What has eight legs and pretends to know about football before each big World Cup game? No, not the Match of the Day pundits – Paul the Oracle Octopus, of course. In every World Cup we witness a star emerge from the shadows; think Schillachi in 1990. This year the German mollusc has picked the correct winner in each of the Mannshaft’s games. When Jogi Low’s boys crashed out in the semi-finals – as his tentacles had earlier indicated – he received death threats and aquarium staff said he was exhausted. If you’d followed his betting advice you’d be squids in however.

R Keane award for dressing room pep talk
Step forward Nicholas Anelka, whose clinical offering to inept Le Bleus coach Raymond Domenech sparked a French revolution: “Go screw yourself you dirty son of a whore.” Quelle catastrophe – but, silver lining, it’s the most Nico has said in many, many years.

Best Headline
“See you on Sunday”. What’s the German for shadenfreude – German sub editors taunt their Dutch archrivals after the Oranje clinched their final spot, and hours before Spain eliminate Klose et al.

The golden vuvuzela for worst commentary
ITV’s Clive Tylesley can take a bow son, after his over enthusiastic comments on the English referee Howard Webb and his two linesmen. Clive peppered his thoughts on the actual football with praise for Webb’s whistling and the ‘great flags’ from the assistants. He then let his followers know htat he is more passionate about the trio in black than the three lions.

The Milla – In recognition of iconic goal celebration
After years of performing the Thomas Brolin-copyrighted twirl-and-punch combo after a one-foot tap-in, it’s time to mix it up I think. Landon Donovan signed a million endorsement cheques with his goal against Algeria but his enthusiastic slide into the corner had Jurgen Klinsmann spinning in his Cape Town hotel room. So, for originality it has to be David Villa’s matador-like flourish of the right arm. Good for tourism too.

The Silver Earplugs
Whatever you think, the drone of plastic has been the baseline to this World Cup’s beat. But don’t expect them to sweep the sports world. Bray Wanderers – as you’d expect – led the way and banned the horns from the Carlisle Grounds. Then Wimbledon, the rugby World Cup, the Ultimate Fighting Championship followed suit before the United Arab Emirates’ General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowments issued a fatwa against vuvuzelas if they exceed 100 decibels, which they usually do. Which reminds me of a Salman Rushdie joke… never mind.

The we told you so moment – to be presented by Paul McShane
Sepp Blatter mocked our desperate and eventually pathetic pleading after our Parisian trauma. So to see him have to sit, red-faced, as Frank Lampard was denied a perfectly good goal on the biggest stage had the Boys in Greens high-fiving on the couch. Afterwards the FIFA chief seemed to accept it’s time to stick in a few cameras.

The corner-flag award for mis-firing striker
Messi scored no goals but he was the driving force behind Argentina getting as far as they did. So for me it’s between old pals Ronaldo and Rooney. Ronaldo however has just revealed he’s a daddy – to Cristiano Jr – so we can’t accuse him of firing blanks. And he did score against North Korea (who didn’t). So step forward Sir Wayne – as you were depicted in hose Nike adverts – you’re the biggest flop.

The Uninvited Guest
More than 30 attractive young ladies turned up at the Netherlands’ opening match wearing orange mini-dresses emblazoned with the name of Dutch brewery Bavaria NV, which has made a habit of ambush marketing at the World Cup. Two were arrested, but they were sprung after Bavaria agreed to keep its clever marketing minds otherwise occupied until 2022 — unless, of course, Bavaria happens to shell out big bucks to be an official sponsor.
But surely the gong has to go to Pavlos Joseph, a disgruntled England fan who ended up in the team dressingroom after the Algeria game after he went in search of a toilet. He gave David Beckham a piece of his mind before confusing a naked Joe Cole with his presence. Football eh? Blood hell.

Drinking the group stage, round two

June 29, 2010 in Beer, Features, Football, Sport | View Comments

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(Cool World Ceer posters here)

So here’s the rest of the round one beer match ups. Here’s the idea explanation and here’s the first batch

Italy v New Zealand

Speight’s
Allan Prosser: This is a good honest beer – and I’d expect nothing less from New Zealand. This is the sort of beer that I would drink at the Middlesex sevens over ice on a long afternoon. This is the taste of the south island, where most of the beer comes from, and it’s very good.
Rory Bevan: A light lager ale. It has its ancestry very much in Britain. You’re back into the session beer — a very good drinking beer — very balanced — it’s not too light, not too heavy, bitter or sweet. This shows its English heritage — it’s a good, colonial beer.
Adrian Russell: Like the Kiwis, it is probably more suited to rugby. I can imagine getting through a lot of this in a New Zealand winter tour, but I don’t know how suited it is to football terraces. It tastes good and I like the quaint branding.

Peroni
AP: I feel, much like the Italian team, this is an old, predictable beer. I’m going to go with the basic honesty of the New Zealand beer against something that I think is passed its sell-by date. It’s a designer label that doesn’t live up to it.
RB: The Peroni is stylish but is lacking in substance. Speight’s is good old colonial honesty — if that’s not a contradiction in terms.
AR: I had this in Bari last season when Ireland nicked a draw with the Azzuri. Like the Serie A, this is solid and expertly crafted though not very exciting, admittedly. I love Italian football and Italy itself so this is a draw for me, despite the Kiwi’s brave offering.

Verdict: New Zealand 2 Italy 1
It’s All White on the night as the new world charm of New Zealand’s Speight’s edges out Marcello Lippi’s boys.

Portugal v North Korea

Superbock
AP: This is a nice beer, I think. Too many of these and you might fall down which is appropriate for the country that’s given us Ronaldo. I can imagine drinking this while the fish is cooking in the background. I think the Koreans will have to pull out a big performance to beat this one.
AR: It’s 5.2% which seems unusual for a light, barbeque-type beer. It promises much and is light and flighty a bit like the Golden Generation. Though i can imagine sipping a few of these fairly easily on the patio of a Lisbon cafe. Could be a dark horse.
RB: It’s quite reasonable – dry with our being over dry – and has drinkability. The predominant feature is its graininess and there’s nothing wrong with it at all. It has notes of your traditional Irish lager with the graininess and certainly has plenty of character.

Hite
AP: This is an okay beer too – it’s not the first time we’ve seen them this tournament and for me it’s consistent but lacks flair on the second outing. It drinks fine flat though and would probably complement a nice spicy meal. But Portugal take it for me this time.
AR: Yeah, I think we know a little too much about this formerly mysterious crowd. The beer is tangy and fairly flavoursome but I don’t think this will last much longer in South Africa. That’s a Portuguese win for me – despite another structurally sound display from the Dear Leader’s outfit.
RB:It has a sour character which is a good attribute in beer. That would be its predominant flavour. It’s a decent beer -being fruity and mellow. On its second outing it might suffer, I’d agree but I’d call this a draw. It’s just a preference thing – they’re both good beers.

Verdict: 2-0 to Portugal
Former United No 2 Carlos Queiroz may be more used to supping on Fergie’s post-match bollinger rather than a Superbock, but his Portugal side put their best beer forward with this one. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea can hold their heads high despite this setback.

Argentina v Greece

Quillmes
AP: I’ve never seen this beer before – even in London. You can see that in the Hand of God, cant you? It’s probably the beer that drives Boca Juniors supporters mad. The greatest shame for Maradona is that he can’t stuff it up his nose. 1-0. I have this down as semi-finalists at the very least. It’s a fine beer; it moves around the palate like Messi on a good day.
AR: It’s a hot country beer and this is very good. Like El Diego today, it’s full bodied, enigmatic and lacking chemicals. The bottle is cool and i can imagine knocking back a couple of these during a Buenos Aires ticker tape parade.
RB: It’s understated – even the labelling is retro. I could see myself drinking this with a one kilo Argentine steak. It’s clean and lightly hopped; it’s certainly a contender. It’s again a light pilsner which is nicely balanced. It grows on you – which in anything – is a good quality.

Keo
AP: There’s nothing about it really though it’s fine. The Greek offering is decent if a little unmemorable and it’s not going to beat the Argies this time around. !-O to Maradona and the lads.
AR: This one — though brewed in Cyprus – qualifies under FIFA rules. It’s fairly airy, fairy and has nothing substantial to back it up really. Ideal for hot weather maybe but it will struggle today against the rough aristocrats from South America.
RB: Again, a warm country beer. Not much distinctive about it and no real redeeming features. The flavours don’t marry as well as the Argentina beer so i think this is a whitewash. Quillmes is certainly one to watch.

Verdict 3-0 Argentina
After a week and a half of beer tasting, things get Messi. Though the Greeks served a perfectly functional warm weather drink, they can have few complaints against a classy Argentine beer. Don’t be surprised if we see it later on in the tournament.

Australia v Serbia

Coopers Sparkling Ale
AP: it’s a loud beer a bit like those Aussie neighbours at a bbq – and the longer the day goes on the louder they get. But it tastes good and could go a long way.
AR:
It is quite brash and fun. A craft type ale designed for the educated beer drinker’s palate. But probably not for everyone. Their team could go walkabout early in South Africa but this beer may well go a bit further, I’d guess.
RB: It’s 5.8% so has quite a good kick to it and is bottle-conditioned which means there’s yeast left in the bottle which keeps it fresh and helps it retain its character and flavour – it’s a difficult process. It’s hoppy, bitter, and there’s caramel notes in there. A dry beer but it’s very nice. It’s probably a beer designed for the connoisseur beer drinker.

Jelen Pivo
AP: Given the choice between this and the aussie one at a BBQ, you might use Jeklen to douse the flames afterwards. The Australian beer is a much better presented bottle too – which is a factor.
AR: This is technically adept – I’d be quite happy ot be served that watching the last games of the group stafes. But against the more unusual, well crafted Coopers, it’s a bit of a is-match isn’t it. Plenty of eastern promise – but maybe this tournament came a few seasons too early for Jlen, if you’ll allow me to pour a cliché.
RB: it’s grainy, with plenty of body and fullness. It’s much hoppier and has a bitter aftertaste – which is an attribute of beer It’s s fine beer too but for me the Australian is better, though it’s a matter of tsaste.

Verdict: Australia win 3-0
This could be the first time an Australian could be described as tasteful, inoffensive and leaves you wanting more? We couldn’t possibly comment, but Coopers sparkles this time around anyway agasint the workmanlike, honest Serb offering.

Slovakia v Italy

Zlaty Bazant
AP: this is a professional beer. I’m rather put off by the emblem which reminds me of the Tottenham Hotspur crest – I’m tempted to mark it down for that reason. It strikes me as the kind of beer that it would a big mistake to switch to at 1am some night.
AR: It’s strong. As this is brewed in Slovakia – where Stephen Ireland killed off two grandmothers in one night – I’d call this a potential three-granny beer. But it’s full and flavoursome – you mightn’t get through too many.
RB: The Slovaks have a long tradition of brewing and this is certainly a good continental, fullsome lager. I find it a little bit heavy on the satiating – that is a heavy on drinkability. You wouldn’t want to be going to extra time on them. Nice branding too.

Birra Moretti

AP: This is lightweight in comparison. It’s the kind of beer that goes well with a good pair of sunglasses; it’s a fashioned beer. I’d be happy to drink this in the shadow of the Colliseam watching the girls go by on their mopeds.
AR: It is light, you could probably get the Vespa home after two of these. The golden peasant – which is what the Slovakian beer translates as – is probably for the more mature drinker to sip quietly, whereas the fashionable Italian lager would end up in the discotheque.
RB: This is typically Italian – clean and crisp; this beer has good tailoring. But they’re two different styles of beer – one is full and flavoursome, while the other is light, more like the frascati of beers. I think the Morreti – as a drinking beer – would slightly shade it for me. It’s about balance and for me the Italian has more drinkability.

Verdict: Italy 3-0
Despite a lovely, typically well-crafted Slovakian offering the Italians run out comprehensive winners. The world champions may be wobbling, but at least their fans are sipping a stylish, light, drinkable beer. Forza Azzurri.

Portugal v Brazil

Superbock
AP: This is a nice beer, I think. I’ve been to Portugal a few times on football trips and this is probably representative of the light, decent beer you’re served in Lisbon or Oporto. Depending on what they come up against, this could go a fair way in this tournament.
AR: We always expect so much from the stylish, technically gifted golden generation but this certainly delivers. The sports editor managed to sourced this one from the Portuguese tourist Board, and I could certainly see myself logging onto Ryanair in order to sip a few more beachside. Deceptively strong too at 5.2%.
RB: We’ve had this before of course and I think it went okay. I like it – it’s dry without being over dry – and has lots of drinkability. It’s nice and grainy which is a characteristic of beer. It has notes of your traditional Irish lager with the graininess and packs a punch, like Ronaldo I suppose.

Brahma
AP: This is not a good beer in my opinion. It’s insubstantial and insignificant. The Portuguese will likely conquer Brazil again. 1-0 to the Europeans.
AR: It’s another hot weather beer – suitable for a lazy barbecue rather than a night on the tiles I suppose. We spat it back in Dunga’s face the last time out but I think like the Selecao, it seems to be working its way into the tournament. Better on the second tasting – 1-1 for me.
RB:As I’ve always said – there are no bad beers, some are just better than others. This is light and flighty and would be fine served cold on a summer’s day. They’re not too dissimilar but the Superbock has a bit more body to it and is a bit more flavoursome on balance. And like football, brewing is all about balance.

Verdict: 2-1 to Portugal
We vote yes on Lisbon as the Portuguese lads edge out the Samba Boys with a full-bodied, powerful and tasty offering that might see them go a long way this year.

He’s the first Irishman to win a Heineken Cup medal, so why don’t you recognize him?

April 29, 2010 in Features, Rugby, Sport | View Comments

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Picture: Denis Minihane/Irish Examiner staff

Some guys lay sport’s hard-earned baubles out on a sideboard for all to see, long after fresh mud has been scraped from a career’s boots. And why not? It’s hard enough to win something, right?

Others, however, wrap life’s medals in yesterday’s headlines and tuck them into a shoebox, out of sight. Winners don’t pin victory to their lapel.

Brian Roche is one such winner.

As Leinster’s best gear up for a tilt at Toulouse tomorrow, before Munster attempt to get past Biarritz in the bullring atmosphere of San Sebastian’s Estadio Anoeta in the Heineken Cup semi-finals, it’s apposite to remember the first Heineken Cup medal won by a son of Ireland.

A 35-year-old-year-old from the down-to-earth Togher suburb on Cork city’s southside, Roche grew up swinging a hurley in the famous blue of St Finbarr’s before a Highfield clubman suggested the teenager give the oval ball a spin. No problem.

“I started to get on well with it,” he explained this week over a coffee. “I got into the Munster and Irish team in my first, second year. And I was on the Cork minor panel then and I had to make a choice. So I stuck with the rugby.”

Roche – a skillful winger or fullback — eventually joined Sunday’s Well in his early 20s. As the new era of professionalism dawned, it wasn’t long before a stranger who had stood observing the action on the sideline approached with an intriguing offer.

“I played away a season with the Well – which was my father’s club – and someone approached me to go over to Bath for a trial. But I was just after starting a new job at the time so I turned it down. And he came back to me then and he said he’d give me a contract. So I said, I’d be stupid not to – I was 22. So I said I’d give it a go. And I went over and gave it a lash – and it was great.”

The circumspect young Leesider pushed open the dressingroom door to reveal a Mount Rushmore of rugby icons. Faces he was used to watching on the BBC and talking with his father about; Guscott, Evans, Catt. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

“I was nervous enough going in there first day with all the guys who I’d know from the telly. But they were sound. Fierce nice altogether. Like myself, just down to earth, get on with it.

“It was just after the Lions tour in South Africa and a lot of the players were back from that. It was the first year of the Premiership and it was a really exciting time. I got a start in the XV in the first few games that were shown on Sky.

“Bath were only after signing Ieuan Evans and he was after getting married and going on honeymoon. So I got a shot – and I was lucky, I took it. But I was never going to hold on to it with these guys around.”

In what was a different era for Irish rugby, Munster, Leinster and Ulster earned a meagre 10 points between them. Bath topped their group — Roche featuring prominently throughout — with the same amount and made it to the final in Bordeaux against Brive.

Brian Roche, left, evades Neath’s Ian Jones at The Gnoll in October 1998 during his time at Munster and, above, pictured in Bath’s gear.

As the English club won by a point, Roche watched happily from his flat in the picturesque English town with other teammates. It was no big deal when officials later slipped a medal into his hand. “I saw my Heineken Cup medal as a token from Bath after being involved in the group stages and was happy to accept it and put it away then,” he says, “I do see it as an honour but it’s done now and I move on. I don’t talk about it.”

After a stunning first experience in taste of the pro game, he then chucked another U-ie on the road less taken.

“I was always a home bird and I was mad to come back at some stage but maybe in hindsight I would have been better off dropping down a level and going to a team that were maybe bottom half of the Premiership.” Instead he tugged on the red of his home province.

As Irish rugby has reached new stratospheres in recent years, Roche was the sport’s Neil Armstrong. And astronauts always come back different.

“I came home and got into the Munster squad and I went and lived in Limerick and joined Shannon. I got into the side after about four or five games and kept my place for the rest of the year. And without playing another game I was out of a squad of 30-odd for the following year. And to be honest, I took that hard.”

After some to-ing and fro-ing the Togher hurler who worked all the way onto the same team bus as Jeremy Guscott, returned to play intermediate football with his beloved Barrs before he returned to Highfield who ‘kickstarted his career’ to captain the side to a league championship in 2004. It probably meant as much as anything minted in Bordeaux.

Meanwhile, the European quest continued for Munster and as most climbed aboard the freewheeling bandwagon, so too Roche moved on without it. “I was bitter for a while but I’ve moved on now. I haven’t gone to one Munster game since I stopped playing with them. I watch them on TV and I support them, because they’re a great bunch of lads, I just wouldn’t go to one. ”

Not that he has the time. After earning a level two coaching badge with the IRFU, as well as a fitness qualification, he has put the likes of the Barrs, Highfield, UCC’s MSL soccer team and most impressively the Cork hurlers through their paces. And typical of his uncanny timing, he had a front-row seat for the Rebels’ Gerald McCarthy soap opera.

“I learned loads from the Cork hurlers. Even their preparation – they leave no stone unturned; everything is looked into in minute detail. You throw all of those lessons into the memory bank and you use them again. I made mistakes coaching – and playing as well – but hopefully you don’t make the same mistake twice.”

If a European Cup win isn’t the top line on your coaching CV, then maybe being the man with the whistle standing between Donal Óg Cusack and Ger McCarthy should be. Though Roche insists he wasn’t concerned involved with any tension in Pairc Uí Chaoimh at the time. “You wouldn’t train a more dedicated group of players. They’re brilliant to train with. The issues with the county board were none of my business. They’re an unbelievable group of players.”

Where before sitting back and watching his contemporaries do what they do best on the biggest stage was not his idea of relaxation, if Munster win on Sunday, ‘Rochey’ will happily watch the Paris final with a group of friends on his stag night in a quiet West Cork town, ahead of his marriage to his fiancée, Nell.

Standing behind Roche when he’s married this summer, as throughout his career, will be his parents. His proud mother will watch on as her son achieves another personal first. And she might well wear an old gift from Brian on her lapel – a Heineken Cup medal he had made into a beautiful broach.

Ice, ice baby

January 9, 2010 in Athletics, Features, Football, GAA, Golf, Hurling, Rugby, Sport, Swimming | View Comments

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The news broadcasts are creaking under the weight of cliches like ‘blankets of snow’, ‘big freezes’ while footpaths are engaging in treachery.

As the country has slowed ground to a halt, the sporting world has been the same.

Meanwhile, in today’s Irish Examiner, despite the present icy inertia, about two dozen of our staff writers and columnists have looked ahead to the events that will define the Irish sporting year. I can’t link to the website as it’s a graphic but check it out in the hard copy if you’re in Ireland. There’s some surprising calls.

In the meantime, here’s my effort: Read the rest of this entry »

Quotes of the year: rugby

December 30, 2009 in Features, Rugby | View Comments

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“Horan… Wallace… Ireland in position … this must be it… this MUST be it for Ronan O’Gara… drop… at… goal… Grand Slam . . . at . . . stake… HE’S GOOOOOOT IIIIIT!!!!!!!! YES!,” Ryle Nugent. Love him or loath him; he cares more than when he was doing League of Ireland football coverage.

“Woohoooooo!” — Nugent’s colour man Tony Ward offers his analysis.

“No penalties,” pleads a shaky-sounding Ward, presumably looking skyward in supplication.

Half a second later: “Penalty to Wales” — Nugent, from under the desk.

“Sixty-one years awaiting, how sweet this moment is,” Ryle gushes after the nation realises Stephen Jones’ kick has dropped short. Great stuff.

“I thought I was going to have another Seamus Darby moment, deprived right at the death.” — Conor O’Shea, the Kerryman on the RTÉ panel, back in the studio. Darby would’ve made that kick.

“After the first two lineouts, I realised Gert must have taught the Irish guys some Afrikaans. They were counting with us before the ball was thrown in.” Springbok Victor Matfield reveals that Donncha O’Callaghan picked up more than Paul O’Connell during the lineout in South Africa. Read the rest of this entry »

Decade in review: 2006

December 30, 2009 in Features, Football, GAA, Golf, Rugby, Sport | View Comments

Zidane loses his head
This was like a pitch for an old Clint Eastwood movie: a maverick cop is about to retire after a working life married to the badge. Here’s the rub: his last day at the office isn’t going to be uneventful.

Zidane — the brightest talent of his generation — already had a World Cup medal on the sideboard, a European Championship win, European Cups, Ballon d’Oors — enough baubles to decorate your Christmas tree essentially. But Zizou will forever now be remembered for his rash reaction to a Marco Matterazzi jibe as the world watched on in shock.

By scoring a seventh-minute penalty he had become only the fourth player in World Cup history to score in two different finals. However, in extra time in Berlin’s Olympic Stadium he headbutted the Italian defender in the chest. The flash of the referee’s red card sent the curtain falling on a glitterring career.

Italy, of course went on to win the penalty shoot-out 5–3. Aptly, he kept the Golden Ball award for best player at the tournament.

War of Attrition strikes gold at Cheltenham
Michael O’Leary heralds his airline’s obsession with arriving on time. His horse War Of Attrition clocked in early after little turbulence — stopping the stopwatch at 6min 31.7sec.

In the past 50 years only two Gold Cup winners have gone faster, Looks Like Trouble (6:30.3) six years previously and Norton’s Coin (6:30.9) in 1990.

In 2004 War Of Attrition left Cheltenham as a courageous loser, beaten a neck by Brave Inca in the Supreme Novice Hurdle. In 2006 however, he went one better than his old rival with victory in the Gold Cup, as Ireland’s dominance at the Cheltenham Festival reached unprecedented heights.

This success was the ninth at the meeting for an Irish-trained horse, and the 10th, Whyso Mayo, came in the next race, setting a new record. It was all very easy for jockey Conor O’Dwyer who settled his horse behind the early pace and moved towards the front of the race with about a mile left to run. The Celtic Tiger purred and Cheltenham’s Irish partied on.
Read the rest of this entry »

Quotes of the year: GAA

December 30, 2009 in Features, GAA, Sport | View Comments

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“You say to me that there is more to life than hurling. Well if you want to carry on like a fella who is not an inter-county hurler well then there will be more to life than hurling. Lots more. But there won’t be hurling. That’s the reality of it.” — Manager Brian Cody on the monk-like existence Kilkenny hurlers endure for their All-Irelands.

“Cop that. It’s different this time, boys.” — Kerry footballer Tadhg Kennelly, in his book ghost-written by an Australian journalist, on the high challenge on Cork’s Nicholas Murphy in the first moments of this year’s All-Ireland SFC final in Croke Park.

“On my solemn word, I did not and would never intentionally go out to hurt another footballer.” — Kennelly backtracks after a storm of public disapproval swirled around him after the book’s publication. Read the rest of this entry »

Quotes of the year; part one

December 29, 2009 in Features, Sport | View Comments

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“I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.” Tiger Woods after engaging with a fire hydrant, a tree and half of the world’s female bar staff.

“After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf.” I’ve paid for a few expensive rounds in my time, but Woods rues one of the most expensive cocktails of all time.

“I have not been true to my values and the behaviour my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.” Woods — again — faces up to the reality of getting caught with his pants down.

“I would probably need to apologise to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of a three iron.” Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Woods to his wife, offers some professional advice to his former au pair.

“If I could, I would take this f****** ball and shove it down your f****** throat.” Do you kiss your dad with that mouth Serena? One of the Williams sisters rants at a US Open line judge

“Slim dumps a small pile of powder on the coffee table. He cuts it, snorts it. He cuts it again. I snort some. I sit back on the couch and consider the Rubicon I’ve crossed.” Andre Agassi on fine-tuning his pre-match warm-up — taking crystal meth in the 90s. Didn’t we all?

“There was a typo in the book. I did math, not meth.” Agassi, joking about the sensation caused by his drug admission. It would have been more surprising to discover he was doing lines of algebra, to be honest. Read the rest of this entry »

Alternative sport awards

December 19, 2009 in Features, Sport | View Comments

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1 The Paul McGrath Award for best disappearing act: Kenny Egan
More used to jumping rope, Egan skipped off to New York at the end of February. The Olympic silver medal wining boxer caused quite a stir as Twitter lost one of it’s biggest proponents and the social diarists were missing a once-reliable cast member. The Dubliner eventually returned after missing an Irish team tournament with the USA, apologised and has since kept the head down.

2 The Waldorf and Stadler Award for bickering media pundits: Pat Spillane and Joe Brolly
We may have to give RTE’s GAA analysts an award each to avoid an argument. It was a summer of late tackles and dirty hits on the sofa as co-panellist Colm O’Rourke and his Meath team of the late 80s would have applauded. Like two old fellas on high stools, the debate was fairly incoherent and trivial: who is the team of the decade, Tyrone or Kerry? It started early in the season and was concluded, with Spillane grinning, when the Kingdom regained the upper hand in September.

3 The Podge and Rodge Prize in Recognition of Tact: Clare Balding
I’m not going to stick the boot in here. But… the words ‘stones’ and ‘greenhouses’ sprang to mind after the Grand National when the BBC’s racing presenter poked fun at winning jockey Liam Treadwell appearance. Sticking a mic in the poor guy’s face (at precisely the highest moment in his professional life) she demanded: “Give us a big grin to the camera. No, let’s see your teeth! He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” Stay classy, middle England.

4 Most Innocuous Question of the Year: Marty Morrissey
The beloved Banner broadcaster was left mopping the spittle from his impressive pate when he casually queried Brian Cody (after the Kilkenny manager saw his side seal a four-in-a-row, let’s remember) about that final-defining penalty call.
“I have no idea Marty. Did you check all the other frees to see if they were dodgy also?” Cody spat before continuing in that poisoned vein.
“Well Marty wont be buying the book after that,” Lyster chuckled afterwards from the comfort of behind the studio sofa.

5 Least Innocuous Question: Paul Kimmage
The contrarian journalist anmd former pro rider Paul Kimmage, who already has plenty of history with Lance Armstrong (“He is the cancer”) when he asked him a question about his disgraced former colleagues. “What is it about these dopers that you seem to admire so much?” said Kimmage. Armstrong responded at length and with chilling calmness.

6 Contingency Plan of the Year: Plan B
The national emergency plan saw half the country suffer for a fortnight under floods, sticking Leon Best up front for quarter of an hour didn’t reap rewards for Ireland against France in Dublin and going back into the jungle didn’t get Jordan back on track.
However, as Croker chiefs pressed the panic button and flashed a ‘GO TO PLAN B’ message which flashed across the big screen at HQ, the phrase entered our sporting lexicon.

7 The Bill Murray Award for Losing It In Translation: Tadhg Kennelly
To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, Ireland and Australia are two countries divided by a common language. When Kennelly shoulder Cork’s Nicholas Murphy into the face in the All-Ireland Final in September he recounted the incident in his rushed-to-shops book.
“Cop that, it’s different this time boys”. It did not go down well.

8 The Frontline Heckler Award for Late Late Show performance: Donal Óg Cusack
The Cork hurling star got stuck in on his Late Late Show appearance to promote his ‘controversial’ new book. Ryan Tubridy, who looks like he’d blow away if he stood outside the dressing-room door as a Junior B team ran out, tried his luck at talking about hurling. Cusack thought him to stick to the lounge music and book clubs.

9 Oliver Reed for Drunken TV Appearance: Brendan Fevola
Readers here, and pub workers in Galway especially, may remember Brendan Fevola as the Aussie Rules player who was sent home from the 2006 International Rules Series after brawling with a barman.
This year Fevola made a holy show of himself at the Brownlow Medal ceremony — stumbling from guest to guest with a microphone and all-too-willing cameraman as he quizzed the game’s great and good.
The Carlton player has been fined $10,000 and told to “wake up to himself”. ‘Fev’ admitted he had no recollection of the events which also led him to being axed from the Footy Show on Channel Nine

10 The Boy George Question Award: Caster Semenya
In August Semenya won gold in the 800 meters at the world championships in Berlin. Immediately afterwards questions were raised about the South African’s gender. The row rumbles on; Semenya will be allowed to keep her medal and prize money no matter what. if not her privacy.

11 The Golden License Fee Award : RTÉ
The national broadcaster managed to miss one of the nation’s greatest sporting achievements this year. Olive Loughnane romped home, as they say, to take a silver medal in Berlin but we had to watch Brendan Foster interview the Galway girl for us as RTÉ didn’t have the rights to the world championships

12 The Stephen Ireland Award for Silly Vehicle Choice: Cliff Lee
Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee almost missed the first game of the World Series against the Yankees when he decided to take a cab uptown to the Bronx. Lee was stuck in a taxi at 5:45pm en route from his team’s Manhattan when the driver told him they were hopelessly stuck in traffic and it might take two more hours to get to the ballpark. Lee instructed the driver to find the nearest subway stop and negotiated two trains to make it to the mound on time.

13 The Milli Vanilli Special Mention (in recognition of claiming other’s work as your own): Noel Hunt
The Reading striker sparked a mini-controversy when he insisted he and not captain Robbie Keane — scored the equaliser for Ireland against Italy in Bari in April.

14 Best Outfit: Serena Williams
The younger Williams sister shook the cosy world of lawn tennis with a tight-fitting and cheeky “Are you looking at my titles?” t-shirt at a Wimbledon press-conference. New balls please.

15 Jedward Award for Attempted Singing: Tommy Bowe
The Ospreys man was hung out to dry by his Ireland teammates on Dame Street at their Grand Slam homecoming. Thinking he’d enjoy a chorus lines of championship-winning colleagues, instead they stood back and left him suffer through an in front of 17,000 fans on Dame Street.

This article first appeared in the Irish Examiner sports review supplement.

Winning ugly

October 9, 2009 in Features, Sport | View Comments

jonz

When Michael Jonzon, above, closed out the Castello Masters in Spain last month with an 18-foot birdie, the title secured his European Tour card. But he also won a more tangible trophy. The pictures in the newspapers on Monday morning showed the Swede kissing an oak-coloured sculpture of a man with a ball on his head and smile on his face. And this, these days, is not the weirdest prize in sports today.
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Reading between the lines: ghostwriters and sport

July 1, 2009 in Features, Sport | View Comments

Ghostwriters: like teenagers stealing drink from unsuspecting couples.

Ghostwriters: like teenagers stealing drink from unsuspecting couples.

The always-readable Pitch Invasion takes a fairly extensive look at footballers’ autobiographies.

I talked to some of the men who pen them, ghostwriters, for the Irish Examiner.

“I went to the World Cup, I was shite, here’s my book” was how Joey Barton succinctly and accurately summed up the raft of autobiographies spawned by England’s 2006 tournament failure.

But for every tome revealing whether Wayne Rooney likes to ring for a pizza before or after he watches Countdown, there’s a Liam Dunne, Dessie Farrell or Tony Cascarino laying bare his soul for all to peruse. Read the rest of this entry »

Going Dutch: a day learning the Ajax way

June 19, 2009 in Features, Football | View Comments

I took part in a seminar for coaches in UCD last week, offered by the renowned Ajax of Amsterdam. Yesh.

The intellectualisation of soccer has, they say, always foundered on a one simple problem — football players. Unless, of course, you’re Dutch.

The propagators of Total Football in the 1970s elevated an industrial sport from the spit and sawdust shop floor to an erudite, urbane beautiful game and enlightenment dawned over Europe.
Ajax Amsterdam is, of course, a catchword for home-grown productivity, expert training and, above all, success. In a country that gave the world Van Gogh and Rembrandt its greatest club has delivered innumerable soccer-playing artists in Cruyff, Van Basten and Bergkamp. Read the rest of this entry »

Hitchhikers guide to the GAA-laxy

May 28, 2009 in Cars, Features, GAA, Sport, Travel | View Comments

The GAA summer was still-born last weekend but this Sunday, as Cork meet Tipp in Thurles in the Munster senior hurling championship, the season will be very much alive and kicking.

Last summer as part of the Irish Examiner’s monday championship supplement, as the recesson began to bite I tried to guage how cheap one could get to Croke Park for a big game.

I planned to hitch from Kerry to the capital. Wearing a Cork jersey.

Ask a New York cabbie, “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?” and they’ll invariably tell you “practice, practice, practice”. With my collar pulled above the nape of my neck to shield myself from a sheet of the wettest Kerry rain, as I shuffled along the road between Killarney and Tralee before 8am on Saturday morning, I realised getting to Croke Park was a journey not dissimilar. But it’s more a case of thumb, thumb, thumb.
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Rough ride

May 18, 2009 in Cycling, Features, Sport | View Comments

sk1

I’ll be riding shotgun in the Sean Kelly/An Post team car today on Stage 3 of the FBD Insurance Rás from Cobh to Cahirciveen. Follow the progress on twitter @adrianrussell.

Back to the future

May 15, 2009 in Features, GAA, Sport | View Comments

Ah, I’ve been expecting you, reader! As part of the Irish Examiner’s GAA championship supplement available in all good newsagent’s today, I attempted to predict what will happen this summer using a few different methods.

Tonight in pubs and homes around the country, slugs of pints or milky tae will be punctuated with wild opinion and heated discussion about the season ahead.

Who will come out on top in September? Who will be player of the year? Will we get a ticket off the club if we get there? In an attempt to answer these evergreen questions this straw poll, forged in laboratory conditions, attempts to go back to the future.

We’ve read the omens, asked an expert bookmaker, quizzed a fortune teller (she knew we were calling) and, acting as a control in the experiment, interrogated a recently-castrated, bemused Yorkshire Terrier called Jasper under a hot lamp deep in the bowels of the Irish Examiner building.

1. Forget the small talk, who’s gonna won the hurling this year?
The omens say – That’s easy; back the Deise this year – again. The last time Ireland won a Grand Slam in 1948, Waterford won Liam.
Michelle the fortune teller, Temple Bar – Kilkenny seems to be coming on my tarot cards with a new player who is fashionable and will be loved by many. And Henry Shefflin will look weak for a while but will do the job.
The bookie, Paddy Power: Kilkenny should be made play left handed at this stage. Galway will add a new dimension to Leinster of course and it’ll suit them to have more games but Kilkenny might have another gear to go up and if they do – everyone else look out.
Jasper the Dog: Given a choice of two tennis balls representing Kilkenny and Galway respectively, a sliothar which is Cork and a soft toy which we’ll call Tipp for no reason, Jasper – with all the contemplation of TV pundit – went for Galway. Eventually. Read the rest of this entry »

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