Andy Burton: the Sky Sports News deadline day monkey has Big Sam's number in TWO mobile phones
This summer’s football transfer window was smashed into tiny shards by Real Madrid’s googol-dollar smash-and-grab of Kaka last week.
Those little pieces were then danced into the carpet by a tikka-tanned, hot-pants-wearing Ronaldo as he cha-chad all the way to the Spanish capital.
And we’re only getting started.
The expectation is that this will be the most opulaent and vulgar – when one considers the economic hothouse these deals are cultivated in – transfer window in history, surpassing last year, when English Premier League clubs alone spend approximately £500 million.
The Onion Bag dips its toe in the pool during this summer of sun, sand and speculation by “mechanically recovering the bits of innuendo deemed not nutritious enough for Fleet Street and reconstituting them into a repulsive mush. Like a Big Mac. With slightly less donkey intestine.”
Blackburn are set to unveil their new signing, Judean bad boy Judas Iscariot. Manager Sam Allardyce has defended the reputation of Iscariot, who was transfer-listed by The Disciples XII, because of unspecified “disciplinary issues”. “He has all the disloyalty and chronic disregard for decency and morals a player needs to succeed at this level,” barked Allardyce.
Meanwhile, Hull are negotiating a £15 million transfer fee for Tony the Tiger, despite recent allegations Mr. the Tiger mauled American six year-old Jimmy Samburg over an unfinished bowl of breakfast cereal. Even if the deal goes through Mr. the Tiger doesn’t seem keen on the move, explaining to a reporter last week that Hull’s chances of staying up this year “…aren’t grrreeeaat!”