Quotes of the year; part one

“I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.” Tiger Woods after engaging with a fire hydrant, a tree and half of the world’s female bar staff.

“After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf.” I’ve paid for a few expensive rounds in my time, but Woods rues one of the most expensive cocktails of all time.

“I have not been true to my values and the behaviour my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.” Woods — again — faces up to the reality of getting caught with his pants down.

“I would probably need to apologise to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of a three iron.” Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Woods to his wife, offers some professional advice to his former au pair.

“If I could, I would take this f****** ball and shove it down your f****** throat.” Do you kiss your dad with that mouth Serena? One of the Williams sisters rants at a US Open line judge

“Slim dumps a small pile of powder on the coffee table. He cuts it, snorts it. He cuts it again. I snort some. I sit back on the couch and consider the Rubicon I’ve crossed.” Andre Agassi on fine-tuning his pre-match warm-up — taking crystal meth in the 90s. Didn’t we all?

“There was a typo in the book. I did math, not meth.” Agassi, joking about the sensation caused by his drug admission. It would have been more surprising to discover he was doing lines of algebra, to be honest.

“Apparently the word around the campfire is that he doesn’t smell too sweet. In fact, he is by far the ugliest man I have seen in my entire life — that is not being harsh, it is just true.” David Haye, not being harsh about his opponent Nikolay Valuev.

“I have watched Lord of the Rings and films with strange looking people, but for a human being to look like he does is pretty shocking.” Haye will simply not let it lie.

“I’ve fought the biggest heavyweight champion and caught him with big shots. I made him look like an amateur.” Haye continues the trash talk after overcoming a seven-stone disadvantage to beat giant Valuev and win the WBA heavyweight title.

“I want to win everything this year. I am the new Nadal — and I am better looking than him.” Darts maestro Phil Taylor has self-image issues.

“The ol’ back was not in a good way and st patty’s hill [St Patrick’s Hill] wasn’t looking too cozy.” Lance Armstrong tweets to his drenched fans still waiting on the steep Leeside incline after he bailed out of the Tour of Ireland climax.

“Give us a big grin to the camera. No, let’s see your teeth! He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” The BBC’s Clare Balding talks to Grand National winner Liam Treadwell. Pot meet kettle.

“Sea the Stars, he’s got six or seven lengths to make up, he’ll have to be a champion. Stacelica races into the lead now, two in front, he is a champion, I reckon, he’s got the run now in the centre he’s out to leader, he picks up Stacelita, he powers clear, Sea The Stars racing away, perfection in equine form, a horse of a lifetime, he’s just going to go on and win the Arc by two lengths.’’ BBC commentator Jim McGrath enjoys the flawless Sea The Stars Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe win.

“I’m world champion, baby.” Jenson Button succinctly reflects on a fairytale season with Brawn GP:

“I hope my mum and dad will be very proud and when (daughter) Eve grows up someone will tell her that I was an alright jockey. Tony McCoy after riding his 3,000th winner.

“When you are born, you can see whether you are a boy or girl. You don’t test children in the lab to confirm.” Leonard Chuene, the since-discredited president of Athletics South Africa, complains after Caster Semenya’s World Championship 800m victory is overshadowed by a gender row.

“I cannot tell you how sorry I am. I’m sorry to my team and my family for the embarrassment. It is a very, very embarrassing situation.” Lewis Hamilton puts his hands up after McLaren are found to have lied to stewards at the Australian Grand Prix.

“Colin is Colin. We do sometimes call him a bit of a drama queen.” Sandy Lyle fires the first round in what became a a war of words with Colin Montgomerie.

“I believe it was a very hard punch. My hand still hurts.” Manny Pacquiao recalls the hit that knocked out Ricky Hatton in the second round of their IBO light-welterweight bout.

“I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry.” Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps after the publication of a picture apparently showing him using illegal drugs.

“He has two chances: slim and none, and slim is out of town!” Don King backing Antonio Barrera to whip Amir Khan in Manchester.

“I thought: ‘How can I stop playing or give myself an excuse to stop playing?’ So I snapped my cue on Friday. It was quite fun doing it. It’s gone.” Ronnie O’Sullivan finds a novel way to stop himself playing snooker after complaining the game needed jazzing up like darts.

“Ever since I’ve had Eimear, three years ago, I’ve also been a little bit calmer coming to events like this. That’s the big advantage. I have such a great back-up from my own family, and my husband’s family. It keeps you focused. I’m lucky that I was born in Galway, and live in Cork, and have the support of two communities.” Olive Loughnane reflects on the training regime that saw her take silver at the World Championships in Berlin.

“I saw this guy by the tee box who walks away about five yards, throws up because he has had too much to drink, comes back to the ropes and starts shouting ‘Rory’ again. Now that’s what I call a loyal supporter.” McIlroy on the raucous welcome at the USPGA.

“Can we play you every year?” Lily Allen sings to the Australian team, post-Ashes.