September 2009

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The great American novelist John Updike, though not a sports writer, did at times indulge his nation’s favourite pasttime. And when he did, he hit a home run.

Updike, who passed away this year, was once in Boston to visit a friend. He knocked on the door, received no answer, so with a summer’s afternoon to kill he headed to the Red Sox’s famous old home, Fenway Park, for his first visit. He picked a good day. While the press box was bloated with the city’s jaded baseball beat reporters, Updike, like a scientist who inadvertently discovers a much sought-after remedy, found he was witnessing, from the bleachers, the last game – and the memorable farewell – of Sox giant Ted Williams.

He dispatched a song of a report to the New Yorker magazine recounting poetically William’s typically cranky so-long speech and the home-run that was the denouement to a heroic career at bat. “Like a feather caught in a vortex, Williams ran around the square of bases at the center of our beseeching screaming. He ran as he always ran out home runs – hurriedly, unsmiling, head down, as if our praise were a storm of rain to get out of. He didn’t tip his cap. Though we thumped, wept, and chanted ‘We want Ted’ for minutes after, he hid in the dugout, he did not come back. Our noise for some seconds passed beyond excitement into a kind of immense open anguish, a wailing, a cry to be saved. But immortality is nontransferable. The papers said that the other players, and even the umpires on the field, begged him to come out and acknowledge us in some way, but he never had and did not now. Gods do not answer letters.” Wow.

Those who stumbled upon the championship game in the B division of Ireland’s baseball league last Saturday may not have realised they had wandered into their own little Fenway, but I wondered what Updike might have made of the apple pie scene folded into Clondalkin all the same.

Munster Warrior players are strectched out on the grass in preparation for the final game of their maiden season. The motley playing roster are, in turn, relaxing in fold-up chairs, swapping last-minute tips, talking about their favourite TV comedy (it’s The Inbetweeners) and discussing Saturday night’s planned celebrations in Limerick city. They have a record this year of 12-0. And judging by the mood, everyone expects to make it 13 for 13 with a win over today’s opponents: The Hurricanes. Read the rest of this entry »

Check out the trailer for ’15 Minutes That Shook The World’ about Rafa’s half-time team-talk in Istanbul. I like Neil Fitzmaurice from Peep Show and Phoenix Nights though.

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In Boston they say that a baseball season never ends so much as a new one begins. After the curtain fell on another season for Cork’s footballers on Sunday – with so little drama on the sport’s brightest stage – it’s that evergreen attitude we on Leeside must adopt.

When Kilkenny won their fourth All-Ireland SHC on the trot, their supporters – acting in politeness rather than real instinct, I suspect – vaulted the pitch side barriers at Croke Park and invaded the pitch en masse to celebrate as they always have – with their players.

The stadium officials, of course, had attempted beforehand to encourage fans to stay off the surface so they could carry out the ambitious plan of a Champions League-style trophy presentation in the centre of the field. When their hope was brazenly trampled into Bono’s freshly-laid grass in Drumcondra, the big screen (the largest outdoor telly in Europe) screamed the ominous but instantly-classic message in large white letters to the long-suffering stewarding staff: Go to Plan B.

They might have well have flashed it up a few more times during Sunday’s game as both Cork’s team and the red half of the attendance were compelled to change tack quickly, despite an encouraging start. Beforehand the bandwagon creaked under the weight of the Rebel County’s new-found football support, who boasted a cockiness and confidence that sounds as natural as Shandon bells in the Rebel County. Now as it became clear Sam was not in fact returning, the refrain became: ‘ah sure it’s only football’.

It’s what pollsters who gauge feeling in the run-up to elections might call ‘soft opinion’. We were certainly all for the proposal of an All-Ireland title. But if it doesn’t look likely we’ll insulate ourselves in a layer of cruel humour and nonchalant sporting snobbery. But it is only football, after all.

A great Bostonian, one John F Kennedy, of course, fought a dual war (exactly like Cork GAA does) in battling Communism in an overt Cold War as well as a clandestine, back-door diplomatic chess game to ensure the Cuban missile crisis didn’t bring a violent end to the world in the early 1960s. In short, because of Kennedy, we on Leeside can again say ‘there’s always next year’.

But I’m not sure how many have the stomach for another season right now after what was an All-Ireland Sunday knotted in disappointment; we can handle defeat (even to Kerry)– but the manner of the capitulation is a dull ache that will throb for the winter.

In these straightened times, a more frugal approach on the pitch would have seen us reclaim Sam after 19 long summers in exile. Charlie Haughey – the Kingdom’s favourite Charvet-shirted prince – once warned us that we were living beyond our means. He could have said the same to the Cork forwards who offered their neighbours the ultimate bail out with a bankrupt policy of hitting wide after wide throughout the game. Waste not, want not.

Late on the Monday night after a similar defeat in an All-Ireland final in recent years, I saw, as I made my way home, one of the county’s stars (I won’t say if it was hurling or football, so don’t ask) in a darkened city centre doorway, being consoled expertly by a sympathetic female admirer. A police squad car rolled alongside kerbside, the Garda (probably a Kerryman if we’re honest) furtively rolled down the window and leant out into the September night to address the humbled and now-preoccupied hero. “Imagine if ye won the f******* thing?” he said to the startled couple, before freewheeling off down Washington St. Imagine indeed. Read the rest of this entry »

Check out Donncha O’Callaghan and Jerry Flannery in the trailer for ‘Munster Cuts’ to be relased soon apparently. De Villiers must be wondering what he signed up for.

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The renowned Cork comedian and actor Niall Toibin once joked that those from West Cork were merely Kerry people with shoes.

The gag, which was a popular one in this part of the country at least, I’d imagine, betrays the nature of the hard-wired rivalry that crackles between the two counties – as well as a real distrust in Cork city of our own country cousins, west of Bandon.

But if talismanic Bantry defender Graham Canty can inspire his side to victory and bring the Sam Maguire back to its birthplace in Dunmanway after this weekend, it’ll be a Rebel county, united in celebration, that will lean over the fence to taunt our defeated neighbours in the Kingdom – and choice of footwear, or lack thereof, will never again be on the agenda. Read the rest of this entry »

The same way you know it’s a general election night when Brian Farrell wears a carnation in his lapel, so too the rich sound of the Artane Band heralds a landmark day in Croke Park for many of us.

Despite playing a prominent role in the ritual of the GAA’s red-letter days — providing the soundtrack to the build-up, setting the early tempo in All-Ireland finals with the parade, leading the national anthem — these teenagers ultimately slip away sotto voce from the biggest stage.

On Sunday they’ll lead Kerry and Cork around the pitch before the neighbours row again; so, what’s an All-Ireland final day like for the Artane Band? I filed out for a day to find out.

11.45am: The band members trickle into the stadium, under the Davin Stand, while it’s still Sunday morning to prepare for a long day the Ladies football finals.

They chat casually, more still thumb silent instruments while Head of Musicianship of the Artane School of Music, Tony Doherty starts to get organised. “It’s a big operation, but all the kids know they’re jobs and they’re very disciplined and good at what they do,” he says looking around at the bunch.

12.30pm: As legendary pianist Fats Waller answered when asked to describe what jazz was: “Lady, if you don’t know, I can’t tell you.” So too, the bold, lush sound of these kids – many of who are in jazz groups in the school – is unmistakable. It’s time for the band’s — and my — first appearance on the hallowed turf. Leading out teams for the Mini Game during the interval in the Junior championship decider.

We emerge onto the pitch through the Muhammad Ali Gate — named after the legendary pugilist who emerged from this tunnel to face Al Blue Lewis in 1972. The Drum Major, 16-year-old Mark Donohue — essentially the captain, if Doherty is the manager — leads the musicians and the teams towards Hill 16 in the shadow of the Cusack Stand, provoking wild reaction from the stands.

“It is a good buzz sometimes leading these teams around the pitch but you do get used to it after a while,” says Mark, “I’m not saying it doesn’t feel good after a while — the noise a full Croke Park can make is amazing — but you do get used to it. It’s something else especially when you’re standing there waiting for the parade of the teams on All-Ireland final day — it’s incredible — the noise is deafening. The parade is great ’cause you get a great reaction from the crowd obviously and new parts of the stands wake up when the teams come towards them,” he adds.

It’s certainly woken me up. My ears are bleeding. Read the rest of this entry »

The Beerbelly

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HELLO, sports fans! Do you feel unrefreshed while attending a big match? Want to party like it’s 1999, but not pay Celtic Tiger prices for a pint? Have a drink problem and don’t mind furtively guzzling warm beer through a hidden straw while in large crowds? Well, have I got a product for you!

The United States has brought the planet lots of world-changing inventions and innovations; from the mass-made automobile, the electric light bulb and the American Pie trilogy. Now, dropping into our lives like heat-seeking democracy from the US air force is the Beerbelly (around €35 at Beerbelly.com).

For readers planning to attend the Ireland footballers’ match with Australia (a nation rumoured to like a bevvie too, I understand) at Thomond Park in a few days time or Waterford’s All-Ireland SHC semi-final with the Cats at Croker this weekend, this is could be the purchase for you.

It’s a beer-storage device worn under your shirt that holds 80 ounces – or about three and a bit pints in old money; just hang The Beerbelly around your neck, fill her up and off you go.

The device is supposed to allow you to smuggle cool beer into a stadium, leaving you to sit comfortably in the stands supping down your favourite imported product like a contented sucky calf on a Connemara spring day.

The makers recommend “sneaking the dispensing spout out your fly.” Perfect; who in the Hogan Stand is going to ask you to share?

I road tested one, in the name of investigative journalism at a recent Ireland game game at Croke Park. This is what I learned: Read the rest of this entry »

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Damien Duff will this morning unpack a suitcase in his London pad after leaving the Ireland camp, on the back of a 10-day stint away from home, to rejoin his new team-mates at Fulham.

If a week is a long time in football, as the truism rings, then a week-and-a-half on the road for an international double-header must feel like an eternity. I attempted to find out just what the Ballyboden native and his Irish roomies do for entertainment on trips stamped in green. And I decided to have this chat over a game of Tomy Super Cup Football.

For those wretches unfamiliar with the joy that is Tomy Soccer, as we knew it, I must explain that it was the pinnacle of sporting gaming in the 1980s. Produced by the Japanese toy giants (the now-faded box features a picture of Graeme Sharp in his Eveton blue jossling with Manchester United’s be-mulleted Arthur Albiston) it features two teams of tiny (and fragile) players who are moved up and down using levers, striking the ball with a flat paddle attached to their base.

If American presidents and supreme court judges face the crude litmnus test of the abortion debate, we children of the 80s divided all men into two groups; Tomy Soccer and Subbuteo.

Duff’s languid style and magician’s trunk of tricks betrays a flick-to-kick merchant, and he eyes suspiciously the battered cardboard box. I try to sound confident in challenging a talented, millonaire football star to a showdown, in an empty room, on a tiny, mechanised pitch. “Go on then,” he says, “Let’s have a game.” Read the rest of this entry »

I’m out of here for two weeks.

A couple of columns and other posts will pop up in the meantime so check back, or add a subscription or whatever.

In the meantime, check out the Irish Examiner sportsdesk blog here.

Let’s hope Big Jack is feeling better this week and he sees Ireland absolutely batter those Cypriots on Saturday.

The latest in the series of late-night talk show hosts and global sports stars facing off.