Back to the future

Ah, I’ve been expecting you, reader! As part of the Irish Examiner’s GAA championship supplement available in all good newsagent’s today, I attempted to predict what will happen this summer using a few different methods.

Tonight in pubs and homes around the country, slugs of pints or milky tae will be punctuated with wild opinion and heated discussion about the season ahead.

Who will come out on top in September? Who will be player of the year? Will we get a ticket off the club if we get there? In an attempt to answer these evergreen questions this straw poll, forged in laboratory conditions, attempts to go back to the future.

We’ve read the omens, asked an expert bookmaker, quizzed a fortune teller (she knew we were calling) and, acting as a control in the experiment, interrogated a recently-castrated, bemused Yorkshire Terrier called Jasper under a hot lamp deep in the bowels of the Irish Examiner building.

1. Forget the small talk, who’s gonna won the hurling this year?
The omens say – That’s easy; back the Deise this year – again. The last time Ireland won a Grand Slam in 1948, Waterford won Liam.
Michelle the fortune teller, Temple Bar – Kilkenny seems to be coming on my tarot cards with a new player who is fashionable and will be loved by many. And Henry Shefflin will look weak for a while but will do the job.
The bookie, Paddy Power: Kilkenny should be made play left handed at this stage. Galway will add a new dimension to Leinster of course and it’ll suit them to have more games but Kilkenny might have another gear to go up and if they do – everyone else look out.
Jasper the Dog: Given a choice of two tennis balls representing Kilkenny and Galway respectively, a sliothar which is Cork and a soft toy which we’ll call Tipp for no reason, Jasper – with all the contemplation of TV pundit – went for Galway. Eventually.

Who cares about the game of monopoly that is hurling these days; I want to know if the Dubs will finally take Sam again?
The omens say – Don’t think so; the last year Barcelona and Manchester United met in a European final (the 1991 Cup Winner’s Cup decider), Down beat Meath in the football showpiece to start a run of four straight titles wins for the northern province.
The fortune teller: I feel in football Kerry will deliver the goods. A man to do good work will be Colin Cooper.
The bookie: Tyrone are fancied in Ulster and are better value I think than Kerry for the All-Ireland. They’re a solid team and have been there before of course.
Jasper the Dog : Employing the same peer-reviewed methodology but transposing the four football favourites to the quartet of balls, Jasper was very keen on Dublin.

Who’ll have a bad year?
The omens: Pat Kenny will quit the Late Late Show this summer to be replaced by Ryan Tubridy; when Gay Byrne stepped down in 1999 Cork won the All-Ireland hurling championship but the footballers were beaten in the final to leave a double slip away. Maybe the other way round this year at best?
Fortune teller – There is someone coming up on the cards who has the name Walsh; he will be needing the support of his team-mates and friends in mud-August but all will turn out good for him by October. [Cork’s new boss Denis? Kerry’s Tommy? The Cats’ Tommy?]
The bookie – Dublin are favourites in Leinster with Meath the ones you’d look at to challenge. But the Dubs are rock solid – unless they blow it, which they’ve done before.
Jasper the Dog – Given the state of the garden thanks to the dog after this exercise, we’re going for Wicklow to be whipping boys.

Times are hard these days, give us an outside shot?
The omens say: Donegal won their only All-Ireland SFC the last year a Democrat – Bill Clinton in 1992 – was inaugurated to the White House.
Fortune teller: Watch out for Ken McGrath of Waterford and a chap called Mullane who is not over the hill just yet.
The bookie: Tipp look like the side who might challenge Kilkenny and they are good value at 9/2. Derry could be the surprise package at 16/1; they’re in good shape and might well take a few scalps along the way but probably won’t have enough to go all the way.
Jasper the Dog : Jasper says your money on a Leitrim Connacht championship win this year. He seems sure enough. Woof!